In the bustling city of Melbourne, Cassalia and Blake are excited to embark on a new chapter of their lives, hoping to have a smooth and delightful first year at Melbourne University, where every moment will be beautiful and unforgettable.
However...
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I move the wheel tray with a half-eaten plate of food to the side watching Ray as he moves around the room, fidgeting. He sorts out the bouquet on the table and then moves to the pink pastel curtains to close them
"Ray" he turns, locking eyes with me for the first time since he walked into the room. The misery I witness in his eyes causes me to shudder "talk to me"
He pivots his stare to the window when he says "I've been living a lie, Blake"
"Please look at me" my voice entreats and he does.
Tears fill his eyes and my chest constricts "I'm gay" he avows with a shaking voice "when I was twelve, I came out to my parents. Mum wasn't surprised, she said she had always known. I expected dad to have the same reaction and be supportive but instead, he gave me a look of disgust. I will never forget that look" he pauses "it was the first time he ever looked at me with so much dismay" his voice fills with despair.
"As the days ensued, I could feel him pulling away from me, but I remained hopeful regardless. I thought he would eventually accept me for who I am. I believed that if I spoke to him and made him understand he would get it" he shuts his eyes in anguish "one night I went into his study. He was drinking scotch while working. When he realized that it was me that had walked in, he told me that he needed to be alone but I pushed and pushed for a conversation up to a point where I could see that he could no longer stand my sight" his voice rupture "he told me that he didn't have son, that he wished I wasn't his. He told me that the son he knew died the day I told him that I was gay" my eyes wet with tears.
"Because I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, of losing our relationship...I lied and told him that the only reason I wanted to talk to him was to tell him that I was lying about being gay, that I was straight. We both knew that the words that were coming out of my mouth were a lie. He believed it because he wanted to hold on to the idea of having a straight son. I believed it because I didn't want to lose my dad"
"I put on a facade because I didn't think that I could be myself without feeling like a disappointment. Living a lie was better than facing reality. It was better than getting rejected" he averts his eyes "but it's as if the more I tried to suppress the real me, the more it kept emerging" his gaze is back to me "so I thought maybe if I couldn't be myself at home, I could be myself elsewhere" he looks out the window "during one of the school casual days I redesigned one of my long jeans and turned my t-shirt into a drop shoulder crop after dyeing it pink. It was the first time I ever felt beautiful. The first time I felt like I was being myself" a smile touches his lips before converting to a frown "I still recall the whispers as I walked down the hall"
"What is he wearing, or should I say she?" a boy muttered, laughing
"I always knew he was weird" another voice muttered.
"I'm getting secondhand embarrassment" a girl whispered.
"The last thing I remember about that day was covering my ears, and rushing to the restrooms. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I cried on that day. I was so despondent. I didn't even go to class. Luckily when I arrived home, my parents weren't there. I cried myself to sleep that night" waves of sadness wash through my mind "as if mum knew, she came into my room in the middle of the night. I don't know if it was her parents' tuition or if someone mentioned what happened at school to her. She tried waking me up but I pretended to be asleep. I remember her whispering there is nothing wrong with being different, my love. That's what makes you special before kissing me goodnight"
"After that day, I locked away the real me and threw away the key. I felt trapped, but I also felt at ease knowing that I could live without anyone judging me. A year after coming out, I started high school. Around October dad got cancer. It was months after I met you" he manages another smile "at that time I felt more lost than ever. Disoriented. But for some reason, I always put up front. I thought I needed to be strong for mum because she was falling apart. It got to a point where I lost sight of who I was. Every time I'd stare at myself in the mirror, I couldn't recognize the person that was staring back at me"
Memories of how Ray was when his father got sick engulf my head "why didn't you tell me all of this" I speak my voice heavy with sadness.
"I don't know. I guess I got used to keeping things to myself" he replies with a frown, moving his eyes to the window "one night my dad walked in on me watching gay porn" he divulges still looking away "he turned pale at that moment. He couldn't even look at me...couldn't stand being in the same room with me"
I want to stand up and embrace him but my leg makes it impossible so all I manage is a whisper "Ray"
"After that night, he would refuse to let me feed him or do anything for him when his condition became worse. Can you imagine that when mum wasn't around he would starve or not bathe because he didn't want me to help him. He wanted nothing to do with me" he sniffs quietly, his voice weighted with emotions.
A flash of remembrance passes through me "is that why you never wanted us to come to your house?" he nods.
"The night before dad died. He told me that I was the worst thing that has ever happened to him. That he was glad he was dying because death saved him from having to witness the disgrace I turned into" my eyes sting from the tears "those were the last words he said to me"
"Even after his passing, I still felt trapped. Part of me was holding on to the idea of being straight to make him happy in his afterlife, to make peace with him because I hated my last memory with him" he wipes at his tears as he faces me "but that all changed after I met Austin" a smile finds his lips "we met two years back at Gold Coast" he states "there's just something about Austin that makes me feel safe, safe to be myself. It's a feeling I yearned for all these years. He embraced me with my emotional trauma. He loves me as I am and he understands me like no one else"
"That's why I kept on disappearing on you guys. And because I also didn't want you to think that I was a manwhore, last year I told you that I had met someone, Rissa. It was all a lie to cover the actual truth"
"I wish you had told me all this..."
"I almost did. The day before we flew here" he conveys "I just decided to push it to another time after seeing how disconsolate you were from everything that was happening between you and Cassy"
"Does Austin know everything you just told me" I ask
"No. He doesn't even know that I have been pretending to be straight"
"You need to talk to him" I advise
"I've tried but he isn't taking any of my calls. I can't even go to his place because I know they'll call him to confirm access. He won't open" I open my mouth to say something but shut it when nurse Janet walks in.
"Visiting hours are over," she tells us.
"I have to go anyway" Ray walks over to me, giving me a quick hug before exiting the room.
Thoughts eat at me after I'm left alone in the room. I can't believe that Ray kept all of that to himself. I wish he had told me. The fact that he caged everything for years and didn't say anything to me makes me wonder about the type of friend I have been to him. But again, I can't blame him. I too have secrets of my own.
I grab my phone from the table and begin dialing my girlfriend.
