Viscious Circle

Chapter 6

In the middle of the night, I woke up with a thrashing nightmare. So I just gave up, and threw back the sheets. I didnt feel like going through my instagram or texting anyone, so I wandered out to the living room. Tux was still sound asleep on my bed. Still, it was dim. In the kitchen, light flodded out and I heard russeling; I dropped back a step. I saw a pop of blonde hair around the corner.

"Gryffin?," Niall whispered. "What are you doing up?"

He looked like a chipmunk, cheeks stuffed with food. "Couldnt sleep."

"You look like you've been crying," Niall said after swallowing whatever he was eating.

"What? No, I was just sleeping."

"Right," he said, one eyebrow cocked. He deffinatly didnt buy it. "You just look really upset."

"Dont I have a right to be?," I said quietly.

"Yes," he said. "Whenever Im upset, Ill usualy talk to one of the lads. Wonna talk?"

"No, not really."

"Come on, lets watch a movie or something."

Niall pushed a DVD in and sat on the chair. I sat on the couch and the movie began. It was Finding Nemo, the movie that Ashton and I watched all the time together; my favorite movie.

"Any other movies?," I said quickley, tears pushing roughly at the back of my tired eyes. "Maybe something a little more light hearted?"

"Why?," Niall asked, getting up to change the movie. "Finding Nemo's a great movie."

I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldnt. Tears pushed through and Niall ran over to me.

"What's wrong? Seriously, what's wrong?," he said, nealing in front of me.

"Nothing, nothing. Im sorry," I said quickley, spitting words at the blonde Irish boy.

"Please talk to me," he said, sitting next to me. "Holding all these feelings in will only make you feel worse."

"It was my ex boyfriend and I's favorite movie to watch together. I messed up, and now he wont even talk to me. We dated for so long. I loved him so much, Niall," I sobbed into him. "I loved him, and I messed up."

"What did you do?," he asked.

"I cant tell you," I said sharply. "Im sorry, but I cant."

"Are you sure? I wont tell the boys and Im sure its not that bad."

"Its really complicated. Im sorry I even started. Nothing has worked in my favor lately."

"What do you mean?," he asked. his tone was soft, and I wasnt crying so hard. Maybe talking was helping.

"Well, my parents just died, and so did my sister! She was like my best friend. I had to leave my best friend Celeste behind, and my boyfriend who Ill never see again doesnt ever want to see me. And Im so worried about him."

"Why?"

"He's had a past with self harm. He moved to England with his mum when the bullying got so bad he almost killed himself, leaving his dad, brother, and sister. It wasnt until he met me that he stopped cutting. I hung out with him every night, walked ot school with him every day. Id sneak aout of my house every night, dropping out my window like in a cheesy romance movie, and sneak into his house. We'd stay up all night making rope braclets, like the friendship braclets 10 year old girls make for him to wear so no one could see his cuts, or spend weekends looking for non-weird rubber braclets to stock up on. We even had leather braclets, braided ones, that had little metal plates with our names. Mine had his, his had mine."

"What happened to yours? Youre not wearing it."

"I-I-I... we had a fight the night before I left. I sorta tore it off in a bit of a fit of rage. I left it at his house," I shook my head. "Thats not important. Thanks for the talk Niall. It did help a little. Im going to bed."

With that, I ran off.

At 9am the next morning, I woke up feeling disgustingly depressed. I scratched Tux behind the ear and stood up. I walked into the bathroom and stared at the sickly pale face staring back at me. My eyes were red, tired looking, and my face was ghostly pale. I washed my face, trying to scrub off the pain. In my room, I changed into comfortable silver running shorts, my body relaxing into the familiarity. I pulled off my top, pulled on a green sports bra and my light blue running jacket that I ran in all the time. Lacing on my silver trainers, I felt much more comfortable. Tux bounced at my feet, knowing that I was ready to run. I grabbed Tux's black harness and leash from the with wall peg Id hung it from and walked out of the room. Liam and Niall were eating, Harry digging through the silver Maytag fridge full of beer and unhealthy food.

"Morning Gryff," Liam said as I pulled my waves into a panytail.

"Morning," I tryed my best to smile. "Im gonna go for a run."

"Want me to go with you?," Harry said quickly, now facing me. "Ill show you the best trails, I love running."

"That's sweet, but I need some time to think."

"Are you sure?," Harry's enthusiasm was shot down. "Won't you be lonely?"

"I'm taking Tux. I have my phone on me if you boys need anything."

"Ok. Be careful," Liam said.

"I will."

Trees lined the path. Dark pavement cut through the plush green grass. Shade fell over the path, the air chilled, but the sun bright. My feet thumped rhythmically against the ground, Tux's paws clicking the pavement. It was so familiar. I closed my eyes, imagining running down my street, waving to Mr. and Mrs. Davidson, an old couple who sat on the porch everyday and drank tea. Running through the park and letting Tux off his leash to play frisbee. I hadn't even noticed that I had begun to cry. I sit down, leaning against a tree, crying. Tux laid next me.

"This isn't fair," I said to Tux. "I should be running in Penistone and making plans with Ashton and facetiming Celeste and doing my nails with Kate."

Walking home, I tried not to sob. I figured I would save that for the shower. I wasn't even sweating, even though I'd run 3 miles. I was to sick to be hot; I had a chill. When I got to the door, I took a deep breath, pulled out my key, and walked though the door.

"I'm home," I said just loud enough for Louis, who was walking down the stairs, to hear.

"How as your run love?," he said as I unfastened Tux's harness and let him go.

"Good thanks."

Harry came around the corner. "Gryff, you look paler then a piece of white paper."

"I'm just cold. I'm gonna take a shower."

"Ok." But Harry didn't buy it.

In the bathroom, I peeled off my running clothes and threw the into the hamper. I stared at myself in the mirror. I backed up so I could see my whole body. My legs were skinny, my hip bones visible, my collar bones were starting to show.

"Shit," I whispered. In the everyday stress of things, I'd been eating close to nothing and running hard. I still wasn't skinny enough.

"Horrible things dont happen to beautiful people," I whispered.