— self harm warning —
[]
relapse
/rɪˈlaps/
verb
1.
(of a sick or injured person) deteriorate after a period of improvement.
"two of the patients in remission relapsed after 48 months"
[]
Grayson's pov:
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Ethan had just finished uploading our phobias video , so as always I went onto snapchat and instagram to post our usual links to it.
Once that was done , I relaxed a little.
I lay down on the couch and let myself sink into the cushions.
My eyelids felt heavy already , despite just having a relatively good sleep.
I let them shut , and allowed my mind to wander for a while.
I wasn't thinking if anything in particular. In fact the only way I could describe this is when your staring at something but your eyes are unfocused.
That's what my thoughts felt like. They were there but distant, and unable to be grasped.
I could feel that feeling again.
The pit in my stomach.
The sense that my life wasn't quite right.
My thoughts caught up to me now.
Thoughts about how short life really is.
Whether my life is significant in years to come.
How 10 years can be both a short period of time but also a long life change.
How someone could go from being 18 to 28.
Or 20 to 30.
How different those ages are yet how close.
The feeling grew and grew, and I could feel panic arise in my chest as it tightened.
"Gray?"
My eyes snapped open.
I jolted up, my breath felt like it was being squeezed from me.
I realised the voice that had woken me was Emma.
"Fuck off" I say and I lift myself from the couch.
"I'm sorry , what?!" She retorts.
I really didn't want to talk to anyone.
"Leave me alone" I mumble. I turn and head into the kitchen.
I hear footsteps close behind.
"I said fuck off!"
"What the hell has gotten into you?" She says obviously pissed off now.
" I want to be left alone, do you understand that?" I say it in a low voice.
A few more footsteps could be heard now and Ethan walks in.
Great..
"What's happening?" He says scanning both of our expressions.
"Your brother is being rude" Emma replies.
"Because you wouldn't leave me the fuck alone!! I have asked so many times!!!" I shout now.
"Woah woah Gray calm down bro" Ethan snickers.
I hate this feeling , I hate it.
It felt like there was a lump in my throat, and my head was already pounding.
I just wanted someone to understand me for once.
"I just need some space , so if you wouldn't mind please leave me alone."
I say quietly.
"What was that?" Emma says.
"Stupid bitch" I remark.
I turn and attempt to leave the kitchen now.
I was already regretting my words.
I feel a hand clamp down on my wrist.
"Grayson! What the fuck??!" Ethan shouts in my ear.
Fuck them.
"You know what? You all don't even care anyway, fuck you!" I scream back.
I change my mind and decide on opening the kitchen drawer.
I quickly grab the first knife I see.
"Gray stop!" I hear Ethan shout.
"Grayson!!!" Emma screams.
"You don't understand" I say , tears streaming down my face now.
"Nobody fucking understands..... none of this even matters.... it's not real" I let my words spill out.
Ethan grabs on to me tightly , and I force him off.
I push straight past Emma , running outside.
Once outside I fall on to my knees.
I grasp the knife firmly in my right hand, and angle it against my left upper fore arm.
I dig it in, the metal instantly imbedding into my skin.
I wince in pain and let myself fall onto my back, landing on the concrete.
I lay there , eyes shut tight.blood pooling beside me , and tears soaking my cheeks.
—————
A/N sorry if this was too graphic
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desolation ; grayson dolan
Fanfic| grayson felt empty. | grayson felt lonely. | grayson was no longer grayson. : : Grayson feels as though he has finally found happiness with his new friends. Emma and James seemed to cheer him up. But something had cracked inside , fuelled by anxie...
