Flicker

Broken Chord

Andy

I tuck myself deeply into the covers, completely devoid of emotion. Everything is conflicting. I thought that Mikey was just being nice, and that made me feel nice. Now, I feel like a charity case. Like he just wanted to make sure I got food because that's his job. Because he feels obligated to.

And that's something I struggle with. I can never tell when someone is being genuine, and that's my problem. I can't trust people enough anymore, leaving me isolated and alone on a daily basis. Mikey had temporarily changed that, and now I'm back to square one. Alone and cold.

My guitar is still in its case, and I haven't even counted how much money I made today; I'm not hoping for a large sum. I'm expecting a rather low one, barely anything.

My throat aches and burns, which I'm finding ironic as I'm freezing... in Mikey's place I was warm. Not anymore. I have a feeling I won't ever be that warm again.

Stop it, I think abruptly. I could function before I met Mikey, so why can I not function now? I have to get up, I knew. I have to pick myself up. I have to pretend that I'm not bothered. But I can't, and that scares me. I don't know why I'm hiding under my covers. I don't know why I'm hiding from the world... before Mikey, the world never even noticed me.
But now that I have been noticed, I can't help but wish that Mikey had never offered me that cup of hot coffee. None of this would have happened had Mikey not approached me. I wouldn't owe money again either...

Right, that's enough now. Pick yourself up.
I sniffle, blinking away the tears. My gaze wavers as it settles on my guitar case. I slip out from beneath the covers, shakily falling to my knees beside it. With another sniffle I open it, biting my lip as I count the few coins I see.

I shake my head, disappointed in myself. I should be able to recover from this, be able to get my voice back somehow. And I know I'm letting her down.

"I miss you mum," I whisper, taking my guitar in my hands. I run my fingers delicately along the strings, the same strings that my mother used to play, and I start to hum a melody, but it breaks as my voice cuts out. I swallow a few times, trying desperately to make it work again.

"I don't know what to do," I whisper to no one in particular, closing my eyes, letting the music wash over me. Lyrics come to mind, but I have nothing to write them down with. Luckily for me, I have an excellent memory; which is one of the few things I pride myself on.

"Tell me what to do," I choke up.

Why is every emotion hitting me at once? I don't understand. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't understand why the world wanted me to be alone. I don't understand why the world doesn't want me to be happy.

Innocence is a virtue, and a curse.

Innocence protects you, but it doesn't prepare you. It keeps you ignorant, which isn't necessarily a good thing, I find.
But I don't know which category I find myself in right now, or whether there can really be one or the other. Perhaps there's either a healthy blend (or an unhealthy blend) in every person. Maybe that's why we feel so many emotions; maybe we're allowed to feel so many emotions.

I know that I have to pick myself up though... I can't let Mikey drag me down like this; mum would be disappointed, I knew. She'd be staring down at me at this second, willing me to sort myself out. Willing me to put Mikey to the back of my mind, maybe even bury him. But he wouldn't leave my mind; that look on his face as I left...

"Thanks mum," I whisper. I decide to not try to talk anymore for the rest of today, and instead silently practise my set again. I don't take note of when the sun dips below the horizon, and I don't take note of when the darkness settles all around me.

I yawn suddenly, disrupting the melody I'm working on. So far it sounds relatively good; not awful, but not amazing. I set my guitar down gently, picking each of the strings one last time tonight. With a sigh I collect the few coins in my case and drop them into a jar beneath my bed. There's a small tinkle as they pile on top of what is already in it, the jar barely half full. I sigh again.

Oh well... it just means I'm going to be out for longer tomorrow to make up for it.

I clamber back under my covers and curl up, breathing slow and evenly.

I'll start tomorrow.

———

Sorry it's late today, the only reason I'm remembering at all is because @WolfGirl2215 reminded me, so thanks to her.

Anyone else here ready for Christmas?! I'm so excited to see my family!!! What's everyone hoping to get?

We love you, take care, be safe and have a wonderful holiday, on behalf of my co-author as well.

- @Misstaken17 and @WolfGirl2215