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Sometimes Being Alone Just Isn't Enough

Andy

I smile as I head out today, excited for tomorrow.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm excited to go to Mikey's; I'm excited to see how he celebrates Christmas, and I'm excited to spend Christmas with someone.

My body shivers as I start to set up, tuning my guitar and smiling at anyone who passes, which is few because it's so early, but they all smile back. That must count for something.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Mikey today. He always makes me feel all warm inside, like his coffee, but different. It warms my heart, my entire soul, not that he knows of course.

The clouds don't leave the sky and I'm left wondering if it's cold enough to snow. I look up as I contemplate this thought, the white clouds looking fluffy and soft.

But then, minutes later, it starts to rain. It's not too heavy, thankfully, but I can feel my hair becoming soaked through after a while, and my body shivers from the cold air on my wet skin; my coat does little to warden off the rain and the cold. My gloves leave my fingers exposed. My scarf is speckled with droplets of water within seconds.

And I can't wait even more to play Mikey's song.

But he doesn't show up.

I'm left eating my lunch alone in the rain (huddled in a street corner to get as much shelter as I can), which has picked up from earlier. Now it's pouring down, soaking through my clothes.

Oh well, at least I'd changed out of my nice clothes.

My mind strays to the places Mikey could be, wondering where the hell he is, and I settle on the idea that he'll probably be at home, helping his mum get things ready for the next day. I hope he, at least, is having a good time.

Though Mikey's right, even the day before Christmas, almost nobody's out. I still get a few coins though, which lifts my spirits a bit. Maybe I'll be able to spare a bit for Mikey's mum, maybe I'll be able to earn my keep.

I've just decided to let myself go home a little early today, as a Christmas treat, but then there's a small noise from my guitar. I continue to play, but the moment I lay my fingers across the frets, something's not right.

There's a string missing.

I look down, examining the guitar. My G string has snapped, the two halves still attached to the tuning peg and the bridge, but not to each other.

No.
No.
This couldn't be happening.

My heart stops, and I'm suddenly breathless.

No.
This can't happen.
Dammit.

My breath catches in my throat, and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. Between this, missing Mikey, and a lack of money, I can't take anymore. And now I can't go to Mikey's for Christmas; I don't have a present for him, as stupid and cheap as it was. I'd put myself into it, because I know Mikey values that.

Even as I try to hold them back, the tears fall to my cheeks and splash to the floor, although it's hard to tell... I carefully rest mum's guitar in its case before I completely break down, sitting on the cold, wet ground, painfully aware of how alone I am.

I broke mum's guitar. It's the only piece of her I have left... and now I've broken my only physical connection to her.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't go home to a cold, empty place, but I have to. It's all I have. Only it's not a home. Barely a living space, as Mikey had told me a while ago.