• WORST IN ME • A Thomas Shelby Fanfic •

n i n e

"Alice, listen to me," He grabs my face, telling me to focus, telling me that I need to hear him.

It was nearly lunch time when Tommy and Arthur came back from the hospital. I had gotten a call from Ada saying that two people were shot, and that someone was dead, she wasn't sure as to who. But she said she thinks it was Michael Gray and not John Shelby. I was praying it was Michael, and the only reason I say that is because of all the children John has.

I was petrified, pacing around the house uncontrollably until I heard the door open and saw Tommy and Arthur walk in with their shoulders down and their eyes low.

The children were down for a nap, so I ran into Tommy's arms begging him to tell me who it was who died. He was unreadable and cold. I was petrified at that point.

"Who?" I cry, "Who's dead? Who is it?" I sob uncontrollably, putting my hands over his body. "Who is it?! Tommy, tell me." 

He hugs me, bringing my in close as he whispers the name of the middle Shelby child.

"John. It was John."

My knees give out and I sink to the floor as I can think about are his children. Pain bellows up from within, and I can't find the words as I hold onto Tommy for dear life. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping I'm just dreaming. Hoping I'm not actually here right now, and that Tommy didn't lose a brother. The reality settles in, holy shit, Tommy's lost a brother.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, wrapping my arms around Tommy. "Oh my God, Tommy, I'm so sorry."

We grieve in silence, Arthur and Linda head to their home. Tommy, Nicholas and I open up our presents. It's dry, but we manage to hold in our emotions for the sake of Nicholas who only gets excited about his toys. Tommy doesn't cry once, but I have a hard time and nearly break down every time I think about John. It's all terribly unfair, and it all breaks my heart in two.

But I think about Luca, who fuels my fire. I recall the first time I saw him at The Garrison, Tommy doesn't know about that. God, what would he have done if I had told him? I catch myself glaring at Tommy here and there, wondering if he'd care if I slip out of the house. I'm going to try to find Luca, ask him what it is that he wants.

Something inside me laughs, you know exactly what the man wants. Death to the Shelby's.

But I assure voice in my head that the old Luca is somewhere in there. And that he'll listen to me, when I beg him to stop.

It's a wee bit after dinner when I get up and start packing some food to go. Thomas perks up, he looks exhausted, and I hope he falls asleep quickly so that I can sneak out.

"Why are you packing it up?"

"I want to bring some to Esme." I tell him. "I'm sure they're starving."

He puts his hand over mine, stopping me. "Alice, I'm sure they're fine. She's got family here." He has his head in his other hand resting.

"But if I just pay my respects?" I whisper.

"You can pray your respects at the funeral." He tells me, rather factually.

Nicholas breaks silence and lets out a loud big and bold yawn. We both look over to him, watching as he continues to chow down on some poundcake, but his eyes are sluggish and droopy.

I grab the cake from him in a smile and watch as he chews his little piece left. "Is my little man sleepy?"

Nicholas nods, smacking his lips together.

"I'll put him to bed." Tommy gets up and does just that. Heading upstairs with him. I think maybe of sneaking out now, while there is no one downstairs. But I can't imagine what Tommy would do in that case. Probably call out a search team to find me.