• WORST IN ME • A Thomas Shelby Fanfic •

s i x t e e n

The missing of Luca comes to me in unexpected ways. Ways in which I never thought I could miss someone. I've only ever lost mom, and when she died, I was kind of like, goodbye and good riddance.

For John's death, I couldn't say I knew him well enough to feel these physical pains of loss. But with Luca? My God, I don't think I've ever gone through such immense pain before.

I'm lucky enough to say that Tommy is slowly getting around to respecting the fact that I am grieving the loss of the man who murdered his brother.

I laid in the bath, the bottle of wine with me. Nicholas was fast asleep, we were out of Small Heath, back in our home with the maids. I remember when we got home, I was too broken to eat, too ill for all of that. So, he brought me some food and got on his knees. Using the fork, Tommy offered to feed me, begging me to eat. He was awkward and cute, he wanted to touch me, but he didn't.

"Are you going to eat, love?" He asked, pointing at the plate of food. "You should eat."

I only pouted, shaking my head. We only shared a few words after that. He would do things that helped bring me back to normal. Took a few days off of work to tend to Nicholas. Tommy would run me a bath, stripping me of my clothes. He'd wash me, keeping me as sheltered as possible. Holding my hurting heart in his hands until I got better. It was a side of Tommy I have never seen, a side of Tommy that made me want to thank God for putting him in my path those many years ago. I was lost, but he found me, and ever since then, he's taken care of me.

Thomas didn't know how to react me in such a haze, hell, I didn't know how to react. But it was this constant unsettling pain inside of me, I felt guilty for feeling such a way. I felt fucking disgusted in myself for even thinking about Luca, thinking about him when I know all of the trouble he's caused my husband's family.

He made his way around me and bent down, Tommy touches my arm, running his fingers over my cool skin.

"You alright?" He asks, his eyes softened.

I break into a smile, lacing my fingers in his. "Getting there." I murmur. My other hand that sits in the warm bath reaches for him, I push his hair from his forehead and look into his blue eyes.

"There is a lot of stuff in world that I am unsure of, Tommy." I search his eyes, comfortable about what I'm about to say, confident even. "But I'm sure of you. And the family we've created."

He takes my hand and presses his lips to the back of my hand. "I agree."

"You're beginning to look like yourself." He tells me and I believe him.

"God, what would I do without you, Thomas?" I speak out loud, despite asking myself the question in my head.

He shows me teeth, smiling so beautifully at me. I want to drag him into the bath with me, I crave him endlessly now. He's shy at first, like the first time we ever made love, his hands slowly reach around my body and he kisses me gingerly. I can feel his lips, and almost tear myself away, but my heart urns for Tommy.

I wrap my arms around him, pushing my chest against his. He moves swiftly, holding me so close to his body, I can almost feel his heartbeat against his chest. Tommy moves his mouth to my neck, kissing me as I pull the buttons of his shirt off of his chest. He blows against my neck, making me giggle. I stop what I'm doing and pull back.

He hums low. "I missed that." He says in a light voice. "You didn't give up on me," He grins.

I meet his eyes and blink, "I'm yours." I tell him, in a voice just as shy as his. I grab his face, almost focusing him to stare at me, to pay attention. "I'll never give up on you."

As if my words were entry back into his life, Tommy pulls off his shirt and drags his trousers down. Sinking into the tub with me, water pools over, and we get back to where we left off. Loving each other until the sun comes up.

2 years later...

"Dirty, dirty girl...What are we to do with you?"

Tommy says, taking a napkin and wiping syrup from off of her fingers. She begins to pout and cry, wanting to slam her hands into the breakfast she's meant to eat. Not play with.

She's in that weird age of experimenting with everything, and eating our food but not hers. Poor Nicholas had to give up his food twice for her, so we got her her own little plate of food, food that she casually refuses to eat. She's got an awful attitude, one that puts the Don Tommy to shame. Because of course, this is Grace's world, and we're just living in it.

She's got these beautiful curls that form some sort of mop on the top of her head. Eyes the colour of Tommy's. She's a beautiful little thing, cheeks always full, a smile that makes me want to reach for her at every chance I can. She's a beautiful baby to say the least. Beautiful like Nicholas, who takes after his father.

Nicholas leaps from off of my lap and pokes fun at his little sister. I take her other hand from the bowl of oatmeal we've placed for her.

"Grace, look at mama." I coo, before putting her finger in her mouth, I suck on her finger and she giggles before looking at me curiously. "Mmmmm, delicious! You can eat too, love."

"Yummy papa!" She turns to her father, who does the same, moaning in glee of how delicious the syrup on her finger is. She giggles, kicking her feet before using her hand as a spoon. She feeds herself, and we watch in a complete shock of how different she is than Nicholas. God - Nicholas was such a quiet, precious boy, Grace though, she's a firecracker.

Thomas moves to stand in front of me, I sit back on my chair huffing and puffing. "Come on then, give me your hands."

So I do, putting my arms out, he slowly lifts me up. Moving his hand to my overstretched belly, he smiles up at me. "Where is the lad now?"

I can't even breathe, but seeing him glow makes me want to get pregnant right after I have this boy here. I put my hand on the side of where he's decided to kick me. "He's much like Grace." I whisper, looking back up at Tommy. "I little bugger."

He smiles, looking up at me. "I reckon Grace'll pretend she's the youngest." He snakes his arm around me, we both turn and look at our two kids. "Not even acknowledge the fact that she'll be an older sister."

Nicholas and her play in the open yard, he's the best to her. But she, Christ, she's a riot. Naming her Grace was my idea, out of respect for the woman who he once admired. For the baby he would have had with her. Thomas agreed, saying the name Grace is perfect. Somehow, the affair that Tommy had brought us together. There was a lot of meaning behind the name, a meaning that I will tell my daughter about someday. I had Grace a little over a year after Luca's death, and ever since then it's been so good. And now I'm pregnant again, this time with a boy is what Polly predicted.

I rest my head on his chest, fluttering my eyes shut, I move my hand over the baby's feet. "He's kicking me."

I know Tommy cherishes these movement, so, he puts his hand where mine was, and even though I can't see him, I can definitely see his smile. Its wide and toothy and beautiful.

"Thank you." He says after a long moment of silence, kissing the side of my face.

"What for?" I laugh, looking up at him.

"For never giving up on us."