• WORST IN ME • A Thomas Shelby Fanfic •

f o u r t e e n

I never thought about death as something to happen to me in the near future. No, I always had this idea of dying of old age at some point of my later years in life.

When Nicholas was old enough to have children and a wife. And Tommy and I sat like two young lovers holding hands as we watched the sun go up and down.

I always had that idea for us. But Christ, I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.

Because as gunfire erupts throughout my home, and as Tommy shields me, I look around in panic. Nicholas is placed right beside me, he squirms in his sleep, fighting against the noise when I reach for my son and wrap my arms around his body.

"Nicholas!" I gasp, kissing the top of his head. I cradle him in my arms. "Oh Nicholas."

I was happy beyond belief that he was safe. Untouched. Still trying to sleep. I look over at Johnny and grab his hand, preventing him from going anywhere.

"Thank you." I whisper.

"You're welcome Alice, I'm glad you're back."

"Mum?" He opens his eyes and sluggishly throws his arm over my shoulder, he shoved his thumb in his mouth. "Mum, you are back." He snuggles into my chest. "Daddy was right."

"I'm back, baby." I whisper, looking at Tommy who walks towards the door. He opens it slightly and looks around, Johnny follows behind him.

Gunfire fills my ears, and I think about Tommy, "Please don't go out there, please." I tell him, hoping to God it'll mean something to him.

"You stay here, Alice."

"Tommy-"

He stops and looks at me. "If anything happens," he hands me a gun. "You protect our son." He ducks down to kiss my forehead. "I love you."

Nicholas latches onto me, and all I can think is to throw my son off of me and race into Tommy's arms. But Nicholas needs me, and he needs to protected, Tommy's right.

Fucking hell. Tommy's right.

I can't even say I love you back before he leaves. Covering Nicholas's ears, I slowly allow my son the chance to fall asleep in my lap before reacting. The gun is in my hand, it sits in the palm of my hand.

I remember the last time I held a gun was when I attempted to shoot Luca Changretta's henchmen. I failed, and Tommy came to my rescue. But now. Fuck. Now. I don't have Tommy.

I run my hand through Nicholas's hair and slowly ease him off of me. I try to get on my feet, but my whole entire body isn't used to me standing. For goodness sake, the last time I was on my feet was when I was in the hospital with Luca.

I use the bed and hold on for dear life as I slowly pull myself out of bed. I move one foot off, before slowly moving my other foot on the ground. My legs are a bit wobbly, and I can feel my newly stitched stitches tighten up against my skin. I grunt, internally digesting the emotions I feel before exhaling. The only thing I can think about is protecting my son. I need to protect my son.

I make my way towards the door to our bedroom. Trying to replace my pain with the ultimate goal at hand. I turn my head, watching Nicholas as he sleeps through the chaos.

I cannot let Luca win, no, I can't, not anymore. He's taken too much away from us already. Johnny is a respected member of the family, a friend. He has nothing to be with this, absolutely nothing. My hand falls flat on my stomach, the idea of being pregnant would have been such a glorious surprise for Nicholas, for Tommy and for me. My heart breaks at the fact that he took our baby away. He's taken so much already, I remind myself.