"I don't see why you can't be the one to take off of work for Sowon's concert!"
Sowon lets out a puff of air in frustration and disappointment. It would be easier to count all of the stars in the sky than to count how many times she's overheard this argument between her parents.
At school, Sowon couldn't help but notice how other parents were supportive of their children, how they were always there to see them succeed, or always there to pick them up when they failed. It made her feel bitter when they would have days for parents to come to school. She would look at the children holding their parents hand, giving them hugs and kisses, while she stood alone, wishing that her parents cared enough to be there for her.
She knew that her mom and dad couldn't show up for everything, but just once, she wanted them to pretend like it wasn't a burden for them to leave work to be with their daughter.
Sowon studied hard and made sure to be the best at anything she did. She wanted her parents to be proud, she wanted them to make time for her. She participated in spelling bees, decathlon's, got the highest grades, and even played six different instruments for band.
Through her hard work and dedication, she gained attention from teachers and students throughout all of her schools. For most people, all of the awards she has and accomplishments she's made as only an eighteen year old, that would be enough to make you feel successful, like you were worth something. That wasn't the case for Sowon. She felt that no matter what she did, because she couldn't get her parents attention, she was worth nothing.
Sowon lay in bed, staring at her ceiling as she listened to the sound of her mom and dad bickering. She hated how this is how she fell asleep most nights, well, that is when both of her parents were actually home at the same time. It seemed like such a horribly long time since her family felt like a family. It felt like far too long since her home felt like home.
She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but Sowon knew a house shouldn't feel so cold. Walking through the front door should make you feel relieved and happy, not stressed. All she wanted was for things to go back to how they were, when everyone was happy.
She felt like she was still a small child, wasting time wishing for things that will never be. She told herself hundreds of times that this was how things would be now and that she should just get over it, but loneliness is a difficult thing to get used to.
If loneliness could be personified, Sowon knew it would be like a dark, ominous shadow, something that's constantly attached to you, following your every move. It would be like a cloud of smoke. Something that could twist around your frame and squeeze you until there was no air to breathe. It fills your lungs and it fills your heart, but as it fills you up, it leaves you feeling more and more empty.
The next morning started with sloppy licks and kisses to wake Sowon. A groan of annoyance sounded from the girl as she shoved the excited puppy away from her. "Okay, okay," Sowon yelled, "I'm awake! Are you happy now, Yun?" The small, white ball of fluff only responds by staring at her owner while excitedly wagging her tail. Sowon finally breaks her glare and laughs at the dogs excessive display of affection. She places a quick pat on Yun's head before ripping the blanket off of her frame and jumping up from her bed.
Without having to look at her clock, Sowon knew that it was time to start getting ready for school. She could tell by the paleness of the sky and by the way the sun was barely peeking over the horizon.
After completing her usual morning routine, Sowon rushes downstairs to the kitchen so she can get her lunch ready. She didn't bother making herself breakfast. She didn't normally have an appetite in the morning anyway, and the anxiety of her first day at her new school was enough to make her sick just thinking about eating food.
It didn't matter how many times she transferred to a new school, it didn't matter how many times she moved into a new neighborhood, it never seemed to get any easier for her. She never felt any more comfortable, she never felt any less afraid, she never felt like she belonged. She was always an outsider, and for Sowon, she had accepted that as just part of her life, just like the rising of the sun every morning. As sure as she was that the earth would continue to spin, she knew that no place was permanent, and as bitter as it made her, she knew that people weren't permanent either. In and out, in and out. Would that ever change?
Sowon was just finishing packing her lunch as she heard the honking of the bus outside her door. As she swung her backpack filled heavy with books over her shoulder, she walked to the door, reminding herself to lock the door on her way out. She only bid a farewell to her dog since her parents were never there when she left for school. They weren't home for when she got back either, so she only would say hello to her dog when she came home.
"Deep breaths. You've got this." Sowon tried encouraging herself before boarding the school bus. She had made up her mind to get as far back in the bus as possible and to choose a seat where no one else was sitting. Luckily, it seemed she was one of the first students to be picked up en route, so it wasn't very hard to find an empty seat.
Head down and fast feet, Sowon made her way to the back, where she hoped no one else would sit. Maybe if she put her backpack beside her, no one would try to sit next to her. But, of course, things don't always go as you'd hope.
"Hi, my name is Choi Haneul. Can I sit here?" A girl with big, round eyes, and wavy hair asked. Even though her big, doe eyes gave her a subtle melancholic look, her smile exuded sweetness and joy; she was an anomaly.
She looked kind and thoughtful, like someone who would make a great friend. Too bad Sowon didn't want a friend. Why would she, when she knew that she'd only end up losing them?
"Sorry, this seat is taken."
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