Winter is Here

Boredom

Its the middle of February. Its funny how the days seem to be going fast, while I thought January would never end. Its still cold out and everything is adorned in white as far as the eyes can see.  That aside, the weather hasn't been too bad lately or maybe I have adjusted more to this harsh Wisconsin climate. I have no intentions to think it through; it won't make a difference to me after all. But, if I am being honest it is because I can't find a reason to give a shit.

As if this winter wasn't already too much for me, I have also been bored lately. No, not the regular boredom that I know intimately. I'm not sure how it came to this, but at some point a wind rushed in and blew out my candle inside. Nothing's proved effective to rekindle it, no matter how earnest or sincere the method may be. Not even sparks could be created in the darkness, while I secretly watched elites in an award-winning sadistic masterpiece. Nothing! Absolutely nothing... as if my brain can no longer understand the cues or direct the body on how to respond. Sigh. I still see colours, but they no longer have their lustrous sheen. I still hear the same voices, but their words no longer carry meaning nor impact. Somehow, I am still able to respond with a smile, only because its now a daily rehearsed chore.

The hands on the clock keep turning; people keep moving forward, looking straight ahead. It seems everything is passing me by. I look down and my feet are continuously moving, so then why  am I still in the same place every time I look up? Why are the birds still soaring? Evergreen trees still swaying? Weird ladies still jogging off holiday fat? kids still frolicking loudly? I don't understand why! Their expressions ripened with happiness and their actions labelled carefree. I want that. I want to join them... I reach out my hands to grab the opportunity, fruitlessly and the clock keeps ticking, people keep looking forward and life continues to pass me by. In the end, my fingers are only able to grasp the cold, still air; why? I don't understand! I am sadden... wait... how do I feel sad? Silence  echoes around the cold, unlit candle. I can't remember, so now I am getting upset. Oh no, can someone please remind me of what it's like to be upset? I simply can't remember. I guess I was right; my brain can no longer direct the body on how to respond.

What should I do? What can I do? It doesn't seem like anyone is listening to me... sigh. Then, I guess I have no choice, but to stay here and watch the passers-by. Maybe when spring comes and all the ice has melted and the air is easier to breathe - maybe then, I will figure out how to rekindle this candle. Only then will my brain understand the cues and my memories and emotions come rushing back. So that I too can move forward, looking straight ahead alongside everyone else.

Like I said... I have been bored lately. By lately, I mean a few months. It's not regular boredom; it is a mental shortcoming : Anhedonia.