Winter is Here

They Don't Approve Our Love

Love... L.O.V.E. Only four letters, yet it means so much to us, burdens so many and frustrates others; like me. Yes, I admit, it does frustrate me, but not in the way you think (now you're all eager to hear about my exaggerated yet fascinating vision of love and how foolishly I became frustrated. Well... sit back and brace for the disappointment. It's quite simple and once you understand and accept your true feelings, you too will realise its simplicity; and that's mainly why I am so frustrated).

Love is everywhere, they say we are born from love (I guess sex just doesn't fit the mold), born into love ('cause the world is a goddamn lovely place, ha!) and so we must live our lives in love and spread that love to those in despair (bartender! Gi'me anotha double, straight up. It's gonna be a long night). Frankly put, they say a lot of things and when they talk, we listen; Why? Because they are smart. After all, they are blessed with the wisdom of the world! There was, is and will be nothing that they don't know. (Here comes the break down).

Many moons ago, when shorelines were further back, I looked up to them; being the young and naive girl I was. I admired how they (always grabbed an opportunity for their braggadocio...) ... how they said, "Been there, done that!" It resonated just how much experience they had and inspired a young girl to want to live an eventful life as well. But sometimes, I didn't like listening to them because they were never... ever... wrong (you know, many years later I found out it was my birth-right to always be right as well; 'cause of being a woman and all. But it only works when you are sleeping with him... shhhhh. Ha-ha-haaa).

So, like the norm predicted, I worked hard to stay on the path of life that they wanted. Afterall, everyone knows that life gets easier only when you are in their good graces. Not only that, we all hope that in the near future you will be considered one of them and will someday be telling a different generation of brats things like 'love is the answer', 'love in every language is love' or my favourite, 'follow your heart, love always wins'. I am not sure when or how, but at some point, I realised I had a huge problem and the odds were definitely not in my favour ('cause it's not something you just get up one morning and realise). It was gone... all gone, at least from my house. There was absolutely no love there. No one giving it, showing it or seem to be expecting it either. Something as important as love, eluded me so easily, but in turn opened my eyes to reality. Now I can see the pretentious actions of my mother and now I can also see the artificial gestures of this love that they said, "will always win".

T-this... this is not right! Somebody, anybody, wake me up! Argh; surely, I was dreaming. I'm mommy's sweetheart even though I got yelled at and punished over little things. And I knew that not getting attention on a daily basis did not signify the love of a mother. Besides, there was a lot of siblings' love. I felt it regularly when they kicked and slapped me and told me I couldn't play with them and their friends. Oh, plus my dad loved me just like his other kids at his house. In fact, he is going to visit when he gets the chance and we will spend the entire day together. He has just been really busy lately and he works so far away. I knew, because they said "everyone just loves you, you are such a sweetheart". They know what's best, right? They are always right, yes? Somebody? Anyone? I am panicking here! What the hell happened, why did I not realise it until now? I may have only been nine, but I was old enough to stay home alone on days that I was not sent to school and smart enough to use a gas stove to make myself food to eat. So surely, I should have realised earlier that love is NOT the answer. So, I prayed that it was just a nightmare and hoped that when my mother heard my cry that night, she would run to my aid and comfort me with words of love (it never happened).

I accepted the reality of my life and became aware of the rules of this mandatory game called life. Most importantly, I must always remember to make my smile look real and make everyone love the sweetheart that I should be. Never to let my guard down, because they are always watching. They wanted me to be the angelic, innocent girl that I knew I was not.

It's been about 11 years since I started this near-perfect façade. I know what I am doing, but it's more time consuming than I anticipated. Slowly but surely, it will be perfected and I will reap my rewards. Besides, it's been advantageous as the years only cemented one thought "This is our sweetheart whom everyone loves" (Bitch please!! Don't start with that sweetheart bullshit again). That one thought is all I need them to remember when they see me; That's my path to victory. Father time opened my eyes to the world and showed me that I had to learn the game and find the loop holes in the rules myself.

Turns out, true love does exist, but it's like a rare disease; only a few people will ever get it. Ointment to the wound, all that stuff that they said about love wasn't entirely a hoax. What I may have started out as a social experiment to better understand the parameters of this rare disease and its contagiousness (obviously mislabelled) has now become the most important factor of self-actualization; For the vast majority it seems. As if we didn't have enough to deal with and to overcome in life collectively, now we must all learn to love, to be loved and to give love. Actually, that's only if you want to unlock your greatest potential and to be thought highly of and bask in their good graces. This would be much easier if we weren't caged by the rules they laid and if breaking them wasn't such a terrible ordeal.

So, when I finally figured out that mother nature's innate love that I was born with, did not fit the definition they told me nor did it adhere to the boundaries they had set, I had to question myself. Was I going to accept love for what it actually was and openly live under the social pressure of not being archetypal and shoulder never-ending criticism? Or was I going to join the majority to develop and nurture a replica of what we though love was? It was a real dilemma, since they always said, "love is the answer". We have no choice but to decide and give it our best shots. We all desire the gracious love that they emphasised; but many end up having to play charades, aiming for mastery. We all work hard and hope that our replicas will miraculously bloom into the real thing, then the possibility to pull the curtains on the charades will arise, without dire consequences.

Just how practical is this goal? Only father time can tell. However, it is safe to say, many have used tricks of the trade to boost performances. In fact, one could say we were born with the talent for putting on a continuous show. Still, some people try and retry but can't seem to advance pass a certain stage of the game. Some game plans employ interesting tactics not even known to many; but who am I to judge? Similarly, only a few people have seen my true personality behind closed doors and I know these few people are afraid to come to light. These few have witnessed my true love that causes immense happiness to surge through my veins, while fear, confusion and disbelief illuminate their eyes. It's such a joyous moment... at least for me. But they say that is not love and if you dare to think otherwise, you will be referred to get professional help. Luckily that one important thought remains: 'I'm a sweetheart'; and the witnesses (or victims if you will) were carefully chosen and left in the dark, empty basement.

I sometimes wonder how long I will take to master the art of love? Not too long I suppose, I have laid years of ground work and erected strong pillars to bear the life-long burden of an ever-growing stage. The answer doesn't really matter though, because they love a sweetheart that takes her time to spread her love to those around. Consequently, there is a guy calling me his girlfriend. It is just a given, I can't get to the final levels of the game by myself. One could say we have been putting on a stellar show and steadily walking the path to victory. But most importantly, he never once tried to undo the locks on the basement doors.