Deja Vu

(1) I'm ALWAYS last

FLASHBACK

"I can't believe you can't be like the other kids. We love you but why do you hurt us like this? All we want you to do i have a good life like the other kids? Why can't you be like your sister?"               My mom and dad both shouted.

It's true, I deserve to be in the trash, I am nothing close to all Asians. Why was I even born? It was a mistake. I was born second and my sister is always better then me.

"Just go to sleep and stop crying, I wish I could help you hon, but I can't, I have work and I have stress too! Just try to pass this year!"

Pain! That felt I've felt it before! Those sharp words. The thing is it is so hard to raise an F to an A. Not one day have I ever not when to god asking him, begging him to be normal, but it just feels like I am always betrayed by him. Even god doesn't like me, then how would they like me?

Before I went to sleep , I looked at my big red puffy eyes, all swollen. I tried my best to make it look like i was hiding the pain and, I wish I could make my mom and dad proud but, it almost feels impossible. I feel like I just can't be a good daughter. There is those stereotypes that girls are smarter than boys, but not for me I am just a useless piece of nothing who deserves to go to trash.

I try to go to sleep without  crying my heart out but it was impossible. I just hope I don't have a cold tomorrow. I just keep thinking of one way I could make them happy, maybe if i read and burn all my distractions I can do it but until then I just have to keep going.

Morning-

Regret. Waking up and going to school. I forgot to do my grammar assignment, I will do it at lunch. I wake up, brush my teeth, go downstairs to eat breakfast, bathed, and dressed up. Luckily my day starts off with PE. We just did soccer. I went to my first class after PE, Math, ugh my least favorite subject.

I was walking by the Asian group and they were talking about how advanced math is so easy, while I can't even add freaking decimals. I just don't know what to do. I will at least go to high school next year. 

Math teacher: " So what is17+4h+2=1−5h,−5(z+1)=−2z+10,7h=−(2h−18),  0.2(10−5c)=5c−16,67x+Q=Px+37...."

I just started to get tired of her bombarding the class with questions, and I just felt dizzy while listening to one problem.

Math teacher: "We will go over this by the end of the period for your test tomorrow!"

Great! A test I haven't studied for what a surprise. I already have a C in this class I am gonna die.

It was getting close to the end of the period and I started panicking. I tried so hard, but when my friends kept getting different answers I knew I was wrong. I was always wrong. I asked them how they did it but they just made it more confusing. I went up to the teacher and she just said do your best. 

Math Teacher: "Guys, we are we have five more minutes left, until we will review, and I will be pulling out sticks!"

Sticks! The words were sharp! My eyes went wide and I was frozen like a statue

(5 minutes passed)

MT(MATH TEACHER): Okay guys time to review!

She pulls out a stick and my chest was filled with this electrifying shock.

MT: Y/N What did you get?

Y/N: " I.... uh.....g-got....uh...I..uh...got..14? Wrong. I knew I was wrong. The whole class started laughing. What a shame.

MT: Y/N it is -2 this is the basics!

I tried to pretend like nothing happened, but this is what happens every time, I get ashamed in front of every class, for what took my entire brain to solve. I wish there was someone to help me but I have to go through the pain myself.

It went on for a a few months but she put all her focus towards her grades, she did not eat, sleep, go outside, make relationships, just studies, and she liked the results she kept going on like this.