the dark

I'm scared of the dark.

A simple childish fear.

its not the darkness itself but what it contains.

I'm terrified of whats in it ,terrified of falling into deep oblivion , mostly terrified of finding a piece of my dark past in there .

To me the dark is an unknown place where all your fears and nightmares come true.

I don't know what lays in there or who.

I just know that somehow I will end up hurt or deeply scared.

being in the dark works up my imagination.

I start thinking about all the ways I can get hurt and who will end up doing that.

I had many panic attacks because of something as silly as the dark.

I know that what you see in the dark depends on how you are.

I usually see a shadow. a dark shadow even darker than the Dark itself. how cheesy. then the shadow grows bigger and bigger until its bigger and larger than me. it approaches me slowly like it is careful to not scare me. but it does. I just stand there. petrified. it comes closer until it reaches me and I can't breath. its right in front of me. breathing the same air as I try to. and I can feel its breaths on my face but I can no longer feel my heart. the shadow and I become one. it becomes me and I become it. not on single movement comes out of me afraid of the shadow.

I can feel it in my body. I can feel it reading my mind as I try to breath and as I try to realize what is happening.

the shadow is now me and it is looking through my memories. my bad ones. the ones I myself don't dare to open them again.

and then everything comes back to me.

that horrible night. the pain of reliving it.

then the unwanted feelings came back in a the right order : the sadness ,the anger, the emptiness , the numbness.

but these feelings are worthless compared to the nothing I've felt after that night.

it was like I had no more heart or emotions just a body with no soul and I wanted to feel something anything even if it was pain I just wanted to make sure I was still alive and this isn't a nightmare. and I did it I hurt myself on purpose. people took me for a psychopath but maybe I am.

I became one after that night.

the shadow reminds me of everything.

its torture because I tried so hard to push these feelings away so I don't get to reexperience them.

and then the shadow leaves me hanging there with my memories, missing its painful comfort.

Sometimes its not a shadow.

just voices.

voices that blow straight through me like wind.

voices that will knock me down if it wasn't for the fact that I'm petrified.

these voices scream at me. they scream my name and they remind me of what I have done.

they keep on saying that I don't belong in this world but in the world of the dead. and maybe they are right because at that exact moment I just wish death could come and get me so I won't relive this ever again.

and I try to talk but I can't.I can't move a muscle.

I just stand there waiting for it to stop.

I listen to everything they say. I memorize every word they speak.

the voices are familiar. its my own voice. its my own words. its me.

when they stop I replay it in my head though its one the scariest moments of my life .

I replay it over and over again and I wonder why is it my own voice. and I have absolutely no idea.

I am clueless.

I am hopeless.

I no longer try to be in the dark. I avoid it as much as I can.

the dark can be whatever you want it to be.

I just try to sleep with the lights on.