Summer Camp (Ryllon)

Seventeen: Not fair

It's not fair.

Dallon makes me so happy, so comfortable, so warm, so golden,

and it's not fair that I wake up and feel nothing but depressed.

I woke up in the middle of the night with his arms around me. He was asleep. He was holding me close, almost like he was afraid of letting go. I managed to slip out of his grip and now I'm sitting alone, staring at the lake. I'm on the dock, staring at the moonlight shining on the water. Dallon kissed me goodnight earlier, and then I got lonely so I went to his cabin. I was so happy and now I'm not.

There are tears in my eyes. I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm deep below the water and there's no use for in trying to swim up because there's a weight pulling me down. I can hardly breathe. Everything is blue and black and just dark. I feel sad, genuine sadness. Spencer's information about why I came here plays in my head again.

I don't want to live with my mom. She kicked me out of her life to live with someone who abuses me daily, and then all of sudden, she wants me back. I don't want to live with dad, either. The longer I'm away the more anger he needs to release. He'll kill me when I get back and I can't even try to hide the fact that it's very possible.

I hear and feel footsteps come up from behind and I try not to let myself break.

"Ry?" Dallon asks tiredly.

I've got nothing to lose.

"I woke you up, didn't I?" I ask.

"No, no, you..." He tries to say, sitting next to me, and guilt rises up in my chest because I really did. Tears form in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, I-... fuck, I'm sorry, all I've ever done to you is bother you and... a-and things like this, just..." I say, panic and more sadness rising in my chest. I want it to be over, I don't wanna do anything anymore.

"No, no, no, baby, hey, listen, no, you're not a bother, okay?" He says, sounding panicked, and I look at the water. I could stop being a bother.

I stand up, heart aching horribly as I stand near the edge of the water.

"What are you doing?" Dallon asks. I look over my shoulder.

"Going for a swim," I say quietly before letting myself fall forward. My foot tries to stop me, so as I go down it twists in an uncomfortable way. It's dark, but when I look up I see the moon. It's shining on me as I sink and drown. I am swallowed into the darkness and then it's nothing. It's nothing for a while.

And then I'm coughing.

Water falls out of my mouth and I'm shivering horribly. I'm also crying. Shaking and crying and terrified and wet. Soon we're walking somewhere, I think to the bathroom. We get in and I rush to a stall.

I fall to my knees and throw up. My shaking gets worse, all of me trembling horribly. I keep going until I am sobbing and not even throwing up any food, just stomach acid, my hand on the bathroom stall wall as Dallon retrieves some towels. I finish, throat hurting more than anything.

Dallon gives me some toilet paper as he wraps a towel around me. I wipe my mouth and spit into the toilet, then flush it all down together. He helps me get up and I begin to sob into his chest. He holds me tight. I think he's crying too, but I don't know why he is. He picks me up once realizing that I am shaking so bad that I feel weak, and we walk out of the bathroom.

There's another towel or two on my stomach, and I hold them close. I feel sick and dizzy and just so sad.

Soon it's bright and there's tired and raspy voices talking back and forth. Mikey helps me undress and then get dressed into dry clothes, Dallon leaving quickly or something, I guess. I can't focus on anything, it's all so blurry and hazy and overwhelming. He makes me sit on the bed and after a while, Dallon comes back and dries my hair with another towel. He's wearing different clothes now.

"So, what happened exactly?" Mikey asks quietly. I'm not looking at anything in particular and I'm not sure exactly how long it's been since I jumped, but I do know that I'm still shaking. I'm warmish but I'm still shaking, and that's all my mind is letting me think of.

"I think he just tried to kill himself," Dallon says, equally as quiet, and more tears run down my cheek. "He can't swim, he told me that, and then I found him on the dock and he was crying and then he jumped into the water," he explains, and yeah, I did.

Even my vision is shaky, eyes blinking repeatedly as tears continue to fall. I think I'm rocking back and forth, but either way it ends because Dallon sits next to me and pulls me close, one hand protectively on my hip and the other cupping my jaw, thumb slowly and gently rubbing my cheek in attempt to calm me down. It does a little bit. I relax into him, breathing a bit uneven but still breathing. My shakiness affects my breathing apparently, because every once in a while I breathe in shakily and sharp, basically gasping.

"I've got you, it's gonna be okay," Dallon tells me quietly, but his voice is shaky too. I didn't realize that he's been talking to me calmly, and I really didn't realize that he's crying. Mikey is shocked and scared and sad all at once. The walls are dark grey and the floor is brown, the dressers are dark green and my mind is cloudy.

I don't know if I want to live anymore. I don't, but I do. Right now I kinda do because of Dallon, but once camp is over I don't think I'll make it. He and I will part ways, maybe with a kiss goodbye, and that will be the end.

I burst into sobs and Dallon holds me closer. I bury my face in his hoodie, just crying and crying and shaking and sobbing. I don't wanna lose him. I don't think I've ever fallen in love with someone, and if I have, I've never fallen as hard as I have with Dallon. I'm so in love with him. I'm so fucking in love with him that it hurts.

"It's okay, baby," Dallon says, but his voice cracks and that hurts me 10x more. It's not okay, we all know that. I tried to kill myself because I was scared but now I'm even more scared.

I'm scared because I know it'll happen again.