cigarette butts ➸ michael clifford

11. Michael

It was 6 in the morning and I was sitting on the window sill, feeding my dirty habit, refusing to step foot outside in to the puddles of water sitting on the roof. I sat with my knees up to my chest, left arm slung lazily around them and my right hand was hovering by my face, whilst I took a long pull from the cigarette. My arm fell to my side, the smouldering stick sat between my middle and index finger, as I expelled the poison from my lungs. I spent the night with Ruby. Physically, not sexually, but innocently. The concept was pretty foreign and strange to me. Before the intervention, the time I spent with girls was never for enjoyment, it was purely for a fuck. All my previous girlfriends? I treated them like dirt, but somehow they always stuck around. Always being drunk and stoned, standing them up for dates, spending our time together fucking instead of treating them with the respect they always had done with me. Despite having had girlfriends, I had never even been on a date. Promises were not something you could trust me to keep.

With Ruby, I felt like I wanted her with me. I didn't necessarily want to change what I did, but rather the way I was. I still wanted to continue with my dirty habits, but I did want to change my attitude. Cocaine? Thinking about that made feel sick. I had wasted so much time on that shit, but the euphoria it gave me still called out. Alcohol? There was no way that I could go cold turkey. Some days, I could hardly sleep, as I'd shake and sweat. Detoxing was painful as fuck. It was embarrassing and made me feel ashamed. I hadn't had either for a month. To be honest, I was through it, but that didn't mean if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't take either, which was a scary thought. When I got out of here, I would put my career and band first. I hope, with everything in me, Ruby is there, too.

Finishing the cigarette, I closed the window and backed away, running my fingers my hair, every once in a while tugging on it. I was so stressed. The only time I got to forget about my problems and be myself, not hiding behind hostility, was with her. It felt really cliché to say, but whilst I was carefully chipping away at her walls, she had unintentionally punched a big fucking hole in mine.

"You look really pretty in the light."

Spinning around, my heart nearly exploding, Ruby lay still in bed.

"How would you know?" I laughed quietly. "You're face down."

She readjusted herself, turning over, "I know everything. I have eyes everywhere."

Making a disbelieving sound, I padded back to the bed, spreading my arms and flopping on to it. Ruby groaned, in turn making me grin, as I had landed on her legs. Breakfast was in about an hour and as much as I didn't want to, I would would have to have a shower and get changed, meaning Ruby had to leave. We'd see each other at breakfast, but then I wouldn't see her until music and the thought saddened me a little. Grabbing the duvet, I pulled it up, leaving Ruby groaning some more.

"Get your ass up," I said, rolling over and getting up.

"But I'm freezing my tits off," she whined.

Raising my eyebrows and scrunching my nose, I turned, picking out some clothes for the day. The bed creaked behind me, making me smile at my silent victory.

"Fine," she sighed over dramatically. "I shall leave then."

Dropping the clothes down on to the bed, I stood with my arms spread and a pout. Ruby took one look, a glare directed at me, and trudged over. Once stood in front of me, she threw her arms around my neck and nuzzled my shoulder. I felt her soft lips graze across my shoulder causing my insides to tighten.

"Fuck you," she huffed jokingly, unwrapping herself and backing away towards the window. She gave a small wave before disappearing.

Exhaling in the most obnoxious of ways, I picked out a towel and headed for the bathroom. Every time I was in there, the mirror caused me problems. They say that the mirror is the window to your soul. Standing there, looking through that window, I could see how flawed I was. How broken I was. But I wanted and needed to fix that, because feeling like this sucked. Hard.