All the Things I'll Never Say

Chapter Three

Personally, I think the worst pain people inflict on themselves is the pain of blindly prioritizing another person's thoughts before their own. I can't help but ponder how he thinks about me and what thoughts cross his mind each day, and yet, every time I do, it knocks me down another step. I hurt myself over and over and over again, trying to convince myself that reflecting on those ideas is somehow helpful. Never once do I analyze more closely my thoughts about him. Maybe I could find a lethal fault and save myself some of the trouble, but what I've most dangerously discovered is that I don't want to. I'd much rather embrace this idealization of him than create an accurate picture because I'm scared of the reality. I'm afraid to know what's not right because I don't want to detach in any way. For once in my life, I'm sure that he could be a good one, if he wanted to be the one for me.

But I continue to sink into this hole of forbidden knowledge. There's so much I wish I could figure out in some way, and there's infinite questions that circle every move I make. Do I cross his mind? Has my name ever left his lips when I'm not around? Has he asked his friends for advice about me, or am I just a secret he's obligated to keep? How many times each day is he reminded of my existence? Does he search for my faults or glance at my pictures periodically throughout the day just to remind himself of what's there, to actively remember my face? What were his first thoughts when he woke up that morning? Is he as equally confused as I am right now, writing this same story, searching for the same desperate signs? Most of all, what questions would he ask me?

Sometimes I don't know how to patch up my uncertainty, and it all leaks out. I spill to my friends and my family, waiting for someone to truly listen. I want someone to indulge my every question and to give me a clear theory that I can test and try and then try again. But no matter what I do, I keep bleeding. And trust me, I would try Neosporin, but something tells me this is not its area of expertise.

So 32 days ago, I found myself sitting in a car next to my father with a very crowded head. There weren't enough homes in my city to house all the questions bustling through my brain, and I wished I could pull some of them out of my ears and relieve some of the pressure. I glanced at my dad every now and then, wondering what he would say to me if I tried asking him. How would I even explain the situation? Inevitably, he would crinkle his forehead and change the subject. He'd probably rather talk about his girlfriend, so I just let the questions fight their way through my head and feigned exhaustion when he tried to spark any conversations. Honestly, I was ashamed.

The only comfort I could claim in those small moments was time. In two weeks, I would be back on campus and could figure everything out once and for all. Until then, I would just have to forget. Whether I liked it or not, I recognized how torturous it would be to dwell on the issue at hand for two stagnant weeks.

And yet, as much as I knew how problematic continuing to overthink the situation would be, I couldn't help it. It was too late to change my ways, especially when his social media accounts were so easily accessible. Okay, I know that probably sounds incredibly creepy, but I hope it's also in some way relatable.

Every time I clicked on his account, I hoped to see a message notification from him. Yet no matter how desperately I craved his attention, I knew I couldn't be the first one to extend my hand. I couldn't lay down my arms so easily. If I really wanted him, I would have to maintain patience and approach him with care. Perhaps that was completely delusional, but never once had he given me a sign suggesting a better course of action.

The worst part was I hated myself for my silent pining. I wanted to take control and break myself from limbo. I was living the age-old tragedy: girl wants boy, but boy doesn't want girl. It sucked. There were so many times I tried to snap out of the spell, and I told myself repeatedly the more time I devoted to my family and friends, the less time I would devote to thinking about him. Wow Halley, even writing that makes it sound pathetic.