All the Things I'll Never Say

Chapter Seven

Now, this is the moment you've been waiting for folks. If I had to pinpoint an exact moment that turned everything to shit, this is the one. I highly suggest buckling your seatbelt for this ride.

Prior to this, I don't believe I had ever been truly blindsided. I can think back to maybe one instance where I was utterly shocked by the series of events, and it occurred during an intramural soccer game at the beginning of my freshman year at Bridgewater University. I decided, for some strange and profusely stupid reason, to play goalie during the game. I suppose my logic in doing so was that I hadn't played soccer since middle school, and by waving my hands around in a net, I could save myself some embarrassment. Oh, how dearly wrong I was to assume that.

The ball was rarely near me for most of the game, thanks to a couple of try-hard guys who decided to boost their egos with sub-par soccer, probably because they didn't have the skills to be accepted to any other teams on campus. Can you tell I'm bitter? In the last five minutes of the game, I watched as the ball crept closer and closer to my goal. The try-hard guys swiped their feet at the ball, missing every time. The player snuck through every gap in our defense, until suddenly, we were face to face. My palms were most likely incredibly sweaty, as I crouched down in defensive anticipation of the kick to come. I figured it would have some power behind it, but what I didn't realize was that the stupid guy was aiming straight for my face. My eyesight went black for a second, and my mind spun, screaming "asshole" into the void to calm my anger. So yes, that is my second most memorable moment of being blindsided. Just wait until I tell you about the first most memorable moment.

Everything happened the second night of formals, 14 days ago. I strutted through Lion Inn with renewed confidence, in part due to the previous night spent with AJ and in part due to the brand-new dress I wore that night. Yes, my brain was still swarming with questions, but I had significantly more assurance in AJ, if I was reading the signs correctly.

Frustratingly enough, my friends and I had been arranged at a table directly next to the officers' table, where AJ would be sitting. It definitely wasn't the worst thing that could've happened, but I dreaded the fact that I would have to maintain a performance throughout dinner. I knew AJ would be paying attention, and I would be distracted during the entire meal. I strategically chose a seat facing away from him to avoid making awkward eye contact, but I was further unnerved to notice that he chose a seat where he would have full view of everything I did. And the cherry on top? Another guy I had a fling with during the summer chose the chair right across from me.

By some miracle, I survived dinner unscathed. The more drunk I became, the more I found myself crafting excuses to glance back at AJ, but aside from that, my performance was successful. I wondered if he watched me during dinner, to see how I acted with my friends. Was he curious about my personal life? Did he envy my friends sitting beside me, the way I envied his?

I only spoke with AJ briefly that night by his usual perch on the side of the basement, but I could tell something was amiss. He didn't pat the spot next to him inviting me to join. In fact, he seemed anxious for me to leave, and his eyes darted around the room as he spoke to me. I tried my best to relax and refrain from jumping to any conclusions, but something was unquestionably wrong.

Shortly after I left AJ, he disappeared into total oblivion, and I slipped into panic mode. I knew every single one of my emotions arose out of pure desperation, so I tried my best to contain my feelings from my friends and at least pretend like I was enjoying my night. Every passing minute chiseled at my bones, and my mood deteriorated rapidly. I was sinking in the deep end, welcoming the waters as they enveloped me, and it wasn't long before I hit my breaking point.