All the Things I'll Never Say

Chapter Six

Have you ever thought about the concept of owning fish? I find it absolutely fascinating. One day, the fish are swimming in a beautiful pond. The sun shines through the surface, creating ripples of light throughout the water. The fish's entire world is that pond, and it studies every crack and crevice, every boundary, every creature it shares the pond with. It is familiar with the blades sprouting in the south and tadpoles jetting through underground pockets in the north. Everything the fish lives for is in the pond, and it is not even aware that anything exists outside those safe waters.

Yet, one day, the fish finds itself in a drastically different world. Like the pond, there are boundaries, except nothing is as it once was. There are corners and pebbles and cave-like sculptures in this world, and suddenly the fish forgets what it was like to swim among reed blades and tadpoles. Its world is smaller, but the fish never consciously realizes it. It lives on in a little enclosure, only a fraction of the world it once knew.

The day after AJ and I had breakfast together, I fancied myself for another evening at Lion Inn. It was formal's weekend, and I was invited to both events at Lion Inn and would be spending a significant amount of time in the club. For the first night, I chose to wear a tight, crushed velvet dress with light pink pumps. The funny part about that was I wore that exact outfit to the homecoming dance my senior year of high school, but no one there would ever know. I felt like I was getting away with murder.

I straightened every strand of my hair until I presented a well-refined, pristine picture. I wanted to look in the mirror and feel complete satisfaction. I wanted to check myself out and say, "Well, damn." And I didn't want any of those feelings for another person's approval; I wanted my own damn approval. The most important love affair any individual maintains is their own personal love affair when they see their own body, hear their own voice, and read their own thoughts. Self-love is the best love that exists, and there is nothing more satisfying than creating a beautiful love story for yourself. To put yourself first is not selfish in the slightest; it's healthy.

Before leaving to meet my friends on the way to Lion Inn, I slipped off my heels and put them in a plastic bag. I figured walking over in my sneakers would be far more comfortable, and for once I was wholly content with my decision to rank practicality over aesthetics on my list of importance.

My friends and I sauntered into Lion Inn much earlier than expected, and we came to the quick realization that for the very first time in all of history, we had planned much too far ahead. My stomach fizzed with nervousness, and I practically sprinted to the coat rack. I knew with my luck that I had about 2 minutes before AJ appeared out of nowhere, and the last thing I wanted was to be caught off guard. I hurriedly wrapped my coat onto a hanger and swiped my sneakers and socks off. Just as I finished jamming my foot into the first heel, I heard footsteps from the dining hall next door. My brain went into overdrive as I aggressively grabbed the last heel and pushed my toes into the shoe. At that point, I didn't care whether my feet were in the proper alignment; I just wanted the shoes on my feet at any cost. For whatever reason, I was 100% sure that the next person that walked through the door would be AJ, whether I wanted it to happen or not.

Sure enough, as I struggled to push the last bit of my foot into the pump and desperately tried not to flash anyone who had witnessed the whole process, AJ coolly strode into the room. I tried my best to turn my struggle into something cute and forced a frazzled smile his way. I can only hope he bought it.

All I knew was I needed to eat my nerves away as soon as physically possible, and Sara and I rushed down stairs the second we finished fixing our heels. The room was completely empty aside from the tables of food, and we stacked our plates with spring rolls as people began trickling in, one by one. Among the beginning people to enter the basement was AJ, and I noticed he hung around by himself for a while without talking to anyone, occasionally glancing at me. I wondered if he wanted to talk to me, but I didn't know how to approach him and kept myself busy instead.