A Message In The Wind

Rosemary

Dear Rosemary,

This isn't a cheesy letter confessing my undying love to you, nor is it a letter saying goodbye to you as you drift off to heaven, for you're still by my side every day. We've never been in love, especially not with each other, since we're so young and naïve and we still have our whole lives ahead of us to fret about love and all of the complications and heartbreaks that it brings with it; all of the warmth that lingers in your heart until the passion dies down and we're left with only a shatttered soul and memories of better days; all of the intense emotions and feelings that dig themselves deep in your stomach and twist into knots. No, love is a foreign concept to us, soulmates a distant hope that we long to possess in the future but are not quite sure how. So, for now, we are the closest to true soulmates that we have, and we may be the closest that we will ever come across in our lives -- and maybe there isn't anything romantic behind our feelings, for our intentions are as pure and young as our pulsating hearts, but I still feel that rush of electricity whenever our hands brush, and I still feel that sporadic palpitation against my ribcage each time I lay my eyes on you.

Its been around four years since we first began growing together. We had known each other practically our whole lives, but times were different then and I didn't talk to you and you didn't talk to me and we were both perfectly content with that. But circumstances change, and from the moment we had our first real conversation, we were inseperable. We changed each others' lives forever, and I'm not sure that anyone I ever meet will beat the magic you roused in me when our hearts began beating as one. You are - and I'm not exaggerating when i say this - the best thing that's ever stumbled into my life, and I'm pretty certain that you'd say the same thing about me. But we were so innocent back then, our minds untainted by the evil of this world. We were beauitful; we were hopeful; we glowed like a thousand suns.

And then our circumstances changed again. Suddenly, we were thrust into a world of stress and worry and deadlines and vomiting and scrawled handwriting and pale faces and broken hearts and bittersweet understanding and constant tests and high expectations and grade after grade after grade. We started optimistic, so happy and excited for our future, the path we'd lay out ourselves. For the first year, we were okay. It was hard, but we battled through with a smile spread wide across our faces. "It gets better," they told us. "As long as you try hard, you'll get what you want." Of course we believed them, because we were kids and what did we know and adults were supposed to know everything - weren't they? We were fed ideals of hyperbolised children that we both strived to be - quiet yet opinionated; timid yet brave; strong yet weak; beautiful yet humble; impressionable yet personalized; hardworking yet playful; imperfect yet perfect - because we just didn't know any better. We didnt know anything beyond work and teachers and concentration and silence and hushed whispers through sealed lips.

I don't know exactly where it went wrong. I don't think you know either. I don't think anyone knows when they lose their sense of identity. But I guess the constant pressure to be perfect and to try our absolute hardest at all times finally caved both of us in. We changed drastically; we weren't the same people who were ready to face the world and whatever it threw at us. I noticed it in you before I noticed it in me, but I'm not sure whether it was because you lost it first or because I was so ignorant to my own suffering that I couldn't see myself deteriorating. Dark circles started to rim your dulling blue eyes from lack of sleep. You began to lose your appetite completely, and most days you were skipping breakfast and dinner so the only thing you were eating all day was a single slice of greasy pizza that I practically forced into your stomach so you wouldn't starve. You grew weak and your limbs grew heavy. You became distant, like your mind was in a different place to the rest of your body. You didn't think that I had noticed, but I had. I noticed everything. But I attributed it to "puberty" and "changing bodies" like all of the adults around me did, because we were always told that all of our problems were inferior and silly and all down to our menacing hormones that were supposed to change us into disgusting, snarling monsters, creatures unable to be reasoned with due to their fiery rage. We were monsters, because we were teenagers.

Then I began to notice the same changes in myself. It started off subtle. I found myself tossing and turning every night, which left me exhausted the next day. I lost all of my motivation to get good grades and work hard - after all, what was the point if I was going to feel so bad about myself anyway? Anxiety slowly crept into every pore of my body and took over my brain like a parasite, sucking from my confidence and feeding on all of my worries and insecurities. I had anxiety, though I didn't know it. Panic attacks were a pretty common occurrence to me, though the ones where I believed I was dying only occurred around once every month or so, so I suppose I was lucky. I needed help, but no one was willing to be there for me. After all, wasnt I just the angry, moody, brooding teenager that I had been taught about? I was disgusting - and my growing body was disgusting - those were the lies I was spoon fed as I grew up. Little did I know we were going through exactly the same thing, fighting similar battles side by side. Only, where my stomach would churn with anxiety until I felt as though I was going to vomit, you would disassociate until you felt totally numb. It was an endless cycle.

That was, until you stretched out your fingers to be with the desperate hope that I'd be able to provide you with some comfort. After being turned away by so many other friends before, labelled as 'maniacal' and 'over exaggerative', you had lost all of your self-confidence. Yet, you finally worked up the courage to talk to me, and I'll forever be grateful for that. I know it wasn't easy for you to admit your depersonalisation, but I think it really helped your road to recovery. And I couldn't be a therapist, but I could listen to you and give you everything that I'd felt over the years and we could be each others' helping hands.

And you know what? You helped me. You really, truly helped me, and I'll never be able to fully put in to words just how much it means to me. We love each other so much that we're both willing to do whatever it takes to keep the other happy and breathing. I've contemplated suicide. I'm sure you've done the same, but I doubt you'd ever admit that to me. But we help each other as best as we can, and sometimes that's enough. Even just a simple 'I love you and I need you in my life' is enough to make my anxieties melt, at least for a couple of hours. And, as cheesy as it sounds, I love you more than I can put into words. You're the best friend I could've asked for.

You know, today we were messing around in class. The boys tried to throw your pencil out of the window after they stole your pencil case. Then, after the lesson was over - and after many good, genuine, hearty laughs - we stayed for five minutes or so to talk to our teacher. she loves us, you know. We begged to be moved back together (though, admittedly, our plea was interjected with laughter that we just couldn't hold in) and even though she said no, she offered us her own laughter and a big smile. And it made me realise that, despite how miserable we may be on the inside, we make a lot of people's days a little bit better. We don't know what our teacher has gone through. We only know that she's a lovely girl who we enjoy talking to a lot. She's sweet, and her laugh is one of the most infectious things in the world. This isn't just rambling, it has meaning. What I mean is, without you, I wouldn't be able to see the good in our teacher. Being with you brings out the best in me.

I don't know if it will ever get better. I don't know if the pain will ever ease or if it will just get worse. I dont know if therapy and pills will fix our problems. But isn't life just packed with 'I don't know's and 'what if's? But, even though life is just one big uncertainty, I plan to spend every second of it with you by my side. Our paths are going to be right beside each other's, and we're going to wander through the unknown together, planting little seeds of beauty and happiness and radiance for other people to come across, no matter how hard the road we have to travel is.

And trust me, I'm never going to regret that decision.

Love you more every single day,

Sincerely, me.