Milk.

she's gone

I start school tomorrow. I'm behind on chemistry homework and I wish I had more time. It's almost been a month ever since my grandmother passed away. On the 9th, that'll mark a month.

When my brother brought that to my attention, I had felt the need to move on. Maybe I didn't need much time, and although I say this now, I end up crying every other day.

I loved my grandmother. Moving on hurts like hell and letting go, alone, is really hard for me. Moving on with school just makes it a lot worse. I have to deal with people who don't see me for the depressing state I'm in. People who don't care enough. Teachers who "want to help" but have guidelines to follow as well, and deadlines to give. I have to do assignments I don't feel like doing. I've lost pleasure in everything, I get extremely anxious sometimes that I tend to back out or skip school and stay home. Now with a 13 hour jet lag that I didn't "fix," I am so tired all the time and just feel like sleeping. Not to mention, I also have volleyball.

So you could imagine why I feel like failing is a better option than going to school.

My straight A's will just go downhill and my heart will sink. I just don't see anything getting better. I miss it. The joy, the love, the feeling of security. But right now, it doesn't even feel like home.

Anhedonia sucks. Anxiety bites. Depression just makes it all worse. I'm tired of having swollen eyes and crying everyday. I'm tired of fighting with my brother because it's tricky to communicate. I'm easily irritated all the time. I lack sleep. I feel like passing out. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. I'm tired of things feeling as if they will never get better.

A.