Run

Chapter 8

 I don't know how long we sat there but Jameson had gone rigid and I knew that it was enough of that. I took a deep breath and wiped my face, Jameson gave me a small smile but his eyes were solid with emotion. 

I knew he felt much like I did. 

It was time to get up and move or we would die and we haven't survived this long just for things to get fucked up because of me. I've seen worse- been through worse- and no matter how fucked it was that this man died, it did not matter at the end of the day.

I know that makes me a hypocrite after what I said to James about death but I guess I was just wrong then. It's either kill or be killed, save yourself or die trying to save others. We were on the move and there was no going back. No back to crying and no back to our lives. I know that. It seems that crying for the first time in forever has fucked me up. 

I take a big breath. 

I always get angry, I don'r cry. That's just not me. But for some reason, just this once, I didn't mind that someone saw that I cried let alone that I did in fact cry. 

Part of me wanted to lean on him, just soak up the warmth and comfort he provided but the other part of me wanted nothing more than to ditch him and the dog. After being alone for so long it would be so easy to enjoy just having someone near. But I don't think I can handle loosing anyone else and I'd rather suffer alone than suffer after being left alone again. 

"You gotta get out of you head, Haylee. You'll just get stuck there if you don't." Jameson's voice was almost brittle. Like this was affecting him as much as it was me. I turn to look at him, a piece of loose hair getting in my eye. 

"You're right. I know that." I did not enjoy how small and sad my voice was but it seemed everything was just turned upside down in a new way for me. I look up and see we still made good time and distance so I take a moment and stop for water. 

I know that I shouldn't so we can get to this camp and I can leave. However, this is the last stretch of some sort of civilization until we get to the safe haven. Up ahead is a bit of road and the woods where we need to go. Soon, I will be alone again and it's what I wanted. It's what I wanted so why am I so shaken? 

In the course of, what three days? In the three days I've known James, I was almost killed, annoyed beyond belief by him, chased until we were almost eaten and I let a person die. It's been a particularly shitty few days but after all of that I irrationally feel close to him. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" James asks, his brows furrowed. 

I shake my head. 

Clearing my throat after a bit of food, I look over at Jameson. His eyes were all but boring into my skull. "Look. James." I purse my lips, ignoring the look in his eyes. "I'm real sorry about..that. My meltdown, that was very unlike me and I'm sorry for throwing that at you. And, thank you for enduring it." 

With a curt nod to him, I put my stuff away and put my bag on. Sealing it all away is the only way I can get through whats next. Seal it away and push what can't be sealed away. Easy as that, right? Right. 

"It was nothing." James' tone gave nothing away and when I turned around he was looking away from me. So I just nod and sink my teeth into my bottom lip. 

Silence consumes us uncomfortably as we both get lost in thought and continue on our way.

Once we get to this "Safe Haven", I'm just going to drop Jameson there and be on my way. His life will be easy and he wont have to worry about being alone. Eventually he'll forget about me and not worry that I'll be alone. Not that I mind being alone, I much prefer it actually. 
Or well, I did. Because that was my original plan but now whenever I think about leaving him there, my heart squeezes uncomfortably. 

I'm not sure I know why that is and I'm less sure that I would want to know why.

Maybe its the moral thing. Breaking my promise or maybe it's the fact that the meltdown I had earlier has me still raw and I don't want to be alone when I'm sad. Though that doesn't make sense either! I always want to be alone when I'm upset. I'm always the one to suck it and show no gooey emotions. I prefer it that way. And when I can't do that, I go into my hole and cry like a bitch. Fuck- I just need to clear my head, I'm not thinking straight. It'll all turn out-

And then my face is in the dirt. 

Groaning, I glare with my face still in the dirt. At least I know that crying hasn't broken me because, there's my lovely anger. 

"Oof, are you okay?" Jameson bent down beside me and just around the concern I can hear the laughter itching it's way to the surface. 

"I'm fine, just tripped." I growl when he hauls me up but it gets caught in my throat when my eyes reach his. We're very close.

We stay there, just looking into each others eyes. And while my mind is still foggy with my thoughts before I tripped, I find that- at the moment- I rather look and admire the color of his eyes. The swirling color is just the beginning because I can read so much in his eyes alone. 

My lips part in a small breath. He must have misinterpreted it as an invitation because his lips meet mine in an instant. Like he was just waiting for a sign and at the moment, I couldn't really tell you if it really was or not. 

At first, we're both stunned and I'm glad it's not just me. But, in a second I think screw it so I reach my hands into his hair and move. His hand are on my waist and then we're actually doing this. We're kissing in the middle of the forest, kinda sweaty from the walk, really tired and I think there's dirt falling from my eyebrow. 

But then we're parting and trying to catch our breath that sped from the adrenaline of it all. Both of us grasping for answers on what just happened.

"I'm sorry-" James goes to say but I lean in quick as I pull him in for a small kiss and offer him a smile, to which he returns with a goofy grin. 

After a moment, I force myself to look away from his wonderful eyes. "Lets keep going, we don't want to make camp out here." 

This time, we trudge through the foliage, we're side by side. Hands and shoulders brush with each step and then realization hits. What am I fucking doing? This is stupid, I'm going to be leaving him. I-

As our fingers brush again, he grabs my hand in his and I find myself sharing a smile with him. 

Oh. Oh, fuck.