The Tears of Thirteen Years

Chapter 2

Does anyone know if it is 'jingshi' or 'jinshi'? I have seen it written both ways, but I presume they mean different things?

For the record, burying your child in soil up their little head is not good childcare, but I doubt Wangji knows what good parenting is either and he is....slightly blinded by his love for Wei Ying. lol

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Waking up knowing that Wei Ying was gone, was truly one of the worst moments.

His body wrecked by exhaustion, pain and bloodless deviated from its established routine, but to the Wangji, that had survived three days knowing that Wei Ying was gone, it really didn't matter.

Grey eyes dancing with amusement and poorly concealed worry, "What about your five am mornings Lan Zhan?"

That three days could pass by him unnoticed was a surprise, his body so wounded that it failed years of training. But everything was wrong, all color washed from the world, leaving him hollow and struggling to find within himself, the desire to even move, from his position face down on the bed.

That motivation came from A-Yuan. He had made a promise and he would not fail Wei Ying again.

His brother had tended his wounds, vivid and freshly bleeding in the Jinshi, away from the gaze of others, the only fact that was a balm to his heart. Interacting with others seemed a monumental task, for which he had no energy or desire, not until he could at least accept, the choice of so many to hunt down and murder Wei Ying. He would never understand it or agree with the decision. How could he? Despite the endless reasons given, he knew the truth, his Wei Ying was not evil. He could have been saved.

He should have saved him, protected him. That guilt would never leave, nor the pain of his own poor choices. Instead he now carried thirty three lashes of disgrace. He cares nothing for them, shame, disgrace and physical pain could only be nothing, compared to the desperate agony in his chest.

Wei Ying was murdered. What were wounds compared to that? What were scars that would mar his skin for the rest of his life? Nothing. Not when his shining, beautiful Wei Ying, had perished so cruelly.

Nothing can eclipse this unforgiving reality.

His brother attempted words, but Wangji had no energy to spare, to either care or react. He too tired to fight, not when his aching heart bleeds more than his back. Xichen was not openly hostile or angry towards him, nor did he offer only his proud back and disappointed eyes like their uncle, but gone was his quiet care and supportive words. It did not matter to him either. His uncle's respect was hinged on his adherence to the strict rules, but to do that, to follow the command to condemn Wei Ying, went against everything in him, heart, body and soul. In the end it was for nothing.

His uncle's disappointment was expected, his brother's confusion was expected, as they stood in adherence to that command. Qiren thought Wei Ying was only rightfully killed and for that, Wangji would never forgive him.

Before...before Wei Ying...before the hate for the man he loved began sweeping the lands, Qiren's disappointment would have devastated him. Self-loathing and shame, tearing into his very self, at the thought his brother losing faith in him. Now? He can smell the dark earth of the Burial Mounds and he knows what it is to love, a man everyone else has damned.

Now, he was wounded and mourning. The thought of another day alive without Wei Ying in this world, too painful to think of. So, he refused to. promising himself and Wei Ying that he would focus on today, on surviving the next minute, the next two hours...so he could be the parental figure Yuan needs.