The Tears of Thirteen Years

Chapter 13

The prompt was restlessness and this is such a difficult stage in grief.

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Grief is a storm of feeling that never lessens in power.

In the days following the end of his seclusion, he finds himself unexpectedly restless now that he is free to move within the Recesses.
As one day becomes another, he falls into a pattern caught between nights of sleeplessness and others nights filled with nightmares, all of them centering around Wei Ying, his death and the times before the Siege, where he had failed his love.

During the day light hours, his mind cannot concentrate constantly distracted by memories and the thin facade of normality, hiding the difficulties the Cloud Recesses are experiencing.There is pressure building around their haven in the Clouds, demands for the Lan Sect to rise again above the others, to stand as a reliable, responsible and admirable Sect. The cultivation world expects Xichen to act as a guiding force, in the rebuilding of the cultivation world, adding support to Jin Guang Yao as the overall leader of the cultivation Sects.

He learns that the world has changed greatly while he was healing. But, it does not seem strange to him, that life could so easily reshape itself in such a small amount of time. His world has so easily been reshaped. His mother's death, meeting Wei Ying, The Sun-Shot Campaign...scores of changes that nearly destroyed the cultivation world...his world. Out of all that has happened, two things stand out.

He is a father now and Wei Ying is still gone from this world.

In the end only those two things are truly of any value to him. His brother and Uncle remain much the same, as do the Recesses in many ways. The changes he had witnesses before, such as the burning of Gusu... those scars have already been replaced with deeper, more painful wounds.

Buildings can, as he learned be replaced, the memories untouched as time carries on. The desk where he sat opposite Wei Ying... watching as he worked copying the rules and silently marveled when his head slipped from his hand, boredom slowly edging into sleep... That desk burned in the fire set by the Wen Sect. The Library, his sanctuary and the only place truly blessed with memories of Wei Ying, was gone.

Yet, every place in Gusu held some memory of him. The tree where he sat among the branches playing his flute...the steps where he laughed with Jiang Cheng...the wall where he often returned after curfew...the rooftop where he usually lay looking a the stars...

He was here for so little time when he thinks of it, but everywhere he looks reminds him of Wei Ying. It is torment and it is comfort in a strange way.

What difference is the political landscape through the rise and tragic demise of so many Sects? Before he would have said that such a thing would have devastating consequences, but now he understands only too clearly that these are the people who tried to end Wei Ying. These are the people struggling to find common ground, but agreeing on one subject in particular. Wei Ying's death.

His salvation is A-Yuan. The little boy growing steadily before his eyes, bringing with it the wonderful pride that he is alive and safe, tempered only by the scathing realization that Wei Ying is not here to see him grow. Wei Ying is not here with his son, as Yuan takes his first few steps on the journey of cultivation, to hear his first attempts playing the guqin or to watch him play in the sunlight with the rabbits.

Wei Ying would be incredibly proud of him. Their son aged five years had become the youngest member of the formal class, despite many seeing him as too young. Even Uncle was forced to admit that Wangji had adopted a clever, polite and diligent son. The highest praise that he would give A-Yuan or any student.

There are whispers as there always have been, but he ignores them, or else he fears what he might do. Contrary to their words, he does not see him as a responsibility, a legacy or anything other than Wei Ying's little boy. His son.

Regardless of his heavy heart, of the grief that aches with every breath, the regret he would never stop carrying and the endless waves of guilt for not being better, he will not become his father. It is a promise to himself, to A-Yuan and to Wei Ying, that even now Yuan has joined formal education, he will always be Yuan's primary support.

Others, even his own brother to a degree, are unsure if he will continue as a parent. Many in the Sect, after their child joins the many halls of cultivation training, rarely interact with them. The communal meal tables are often the only time they speak with their parents or if punishment is decided and then the father stands as head of the family. This role is simply a title, formal and often devoid of affection.

This is not always the case. Some children remain close to their parents, but there is always that distance. Never more felt than with his own father. He was a stranger in many ways, loved but not physically there. Known but not understood.

It was Mother who remained the parent figure for both sons, with Qiren as their main role model and instructor as they aged. But, Wei Ying would be horrified if Yuan was left alone. He would be furious and no rules would keep him from interacting with his son. He could easily imagine Wei Ying sitting in on the lessons, causing endless trouble.

It is with a sudden painful clench of his heart that he realizes that he would to anything to have him here, causing trouble, flouting rules...blessedly, powerfully alive, his laugh ringing in the courtyard...

Each day now, he finds himself thinking of what Wei Ying would say or do in response to something. His voice with its many tones, his grey eyes with endless expressions...