Afraid to Speak

what is left

I talk too much, I have realized that by now. I have told you everything I feel a multitude of time. I guess you just don't care anymore. I look at you and I have pride because on the outside you seem happy. That is why you left right, because you were not happy with us, me, yourself, everything. You said you felt numb. Well you got your wish, you are definitely not numb now, are you? Or are you hiding, just like you always have. Hiding from love, hiding from the truth, hiding because you just don't want to feel pain or loss anymore than you already had. You left and I don't think that you have looked back since then. I think you fell out of love with me long before you left. I never caught the "signs". We would argue over the same thing but it was the hardest thing for us to deal with. I feel like a coward around you. I hate when you touch my skin, it feels like you are burning it. I was to scratch it off, it sends chills over my body. It is a chemical reaction. Everything about me misses you, I am aware of how pathetic that is. I am not the only one who is pathetic. Over a year, months of loving you. Months of only wanting you to be happy. Months of trying to find a way to make that happen. Months of thinking maybe I was worth it this time, maybe you would stay because what we had meant the world to the both of us. I think I was, am, delusional. I am too hopeful for my own good. I hoped you would come back, and we are being honest, I still hope that. I just know in my gut, you're done. You've been done. What is left of us, of our love, is seemingly meaningless to you. I don't think you care about me anymore, I think I could just disappear and you wouldn't notice I was gone until someone told you. I think you replaced me in every possible way. It is okay though, I will completely grant your wish. I'll be gone, practically invisible. I left your family alone, even though they felt like family to me too. They are not my family, they are yours. I don't want to cause them pain or confusion, so I left. I didn't tell them why, I won't tell them. Not unless they ask.If they ask I won't mention our past or anything even remotely similar to that, simply "I was in love with her and she didn't love me back, I respect your family too much to stay if I know all I will do is be a nuisance, something you don't want your daughter near and something you don't accept." If that means you hate me forever, that is okay with me. I am tired of hiding. I don't think I will ever stop loving you, and I am okay with that. I am not okay with hiding what is left of the love you showed me. What is left of us. I will never hide that again. Not unless I have you, not unless you show me a reason to hide. I am what is left.
04/26/19