Butterfly Kisses

Eighth kiss

I felt confused. I didn't know how I should react to what had happened with Hunter, I didn't know how I was allowed to react; what was right and what was wrong. I tried to tell myself that I'm a teenage girl, not even out of school yet, and that having feelings for two boys was normal. That's what this was, wasn't it? I had feelings for Hunter, and I hated myself for it because this was anything but normal. This was more than complicated. 

My mum was cooking dinner when I got home, and it reminded me of when I used to eat at home everynight. The lovely smell of freshly cooked food reminds you of home, and I had to fight with myself that this was actually my home. Not the hospital, even though it felt like it. 

"Cleo, hunny, is that you?" 

"Yeah, mum." I called back, slipping my shoes off at the front door. I had no idea why, but mum had always enforced that house rule. "Oh good, you're just in time for dinner." She told me as I walked into the kitchen, the table already set out for us. I took a seat as she lay the food in front of me, before sitting into her own seat across me.

"How was your day with Hunter?" She asked happily and I shrugged, trying not to think about it. "Fine, I guess."

"He's a nice boy." She continued and I shrugged again. When he wanted to be.

"Cleo," She said suddenly, her voice so soft and fragile it made my own heart break to know that I was breaking hers. A mother's love is different from any other love, because it's unconditoinal. It's always going to be there no matter what you do in life. She's the only person you don't want to see sad. "Please, just talk to me."

I put my fork down, playing with my hands. My heart started to beat faster. Is this what my doctor meant when he said I can't face talking about the accident? When he said I don't like to think about it? Is this what he meant when he said I had some stupid post traumatic stress disorder?

"I just can't." I said simply, and I could hear her heart shatter from here. 

"You're all I have left." She told me, her voice breaking at the end of her sentence, and I teared up. I hated seeing my mum cry more than anything in this world and I wanted nothing more than to make it stop, but wy couldn't she understand that I didn't know how to? God I wanted to.

She stared at me from across the table, not really saying anything but I could hear so much. 

"I'm sorry mum." 

What more could I say? I took my plate to the sink and walked back to my room, leaving my mum sitting there on her own once again. I am the worst daughter anyone could ever ask for. 

I layed down on my bed, my eyes heavy and tired, my body not wanting to go back to the hospital for once. 

I am the worst girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.

--

The next morning, I felt groggy and restless. The nightmares were never ending and when I looked in the mirror I had small eyebags under my eyes, making me sigh. I hated to admit, just like I hated to admit most things, but my mind was on Hunter.  His eyes and his lips and his touch, and I couldn't help but wonder if I missed Henry so much that I am trying to replace him with Hunter, but then I realised that they're nothing alike. Hunter's touch is rough, he's honest and rude to me all at once. He brings out something in me I've never explored before. Henry was safe. I felt comfortbale with him; his gentle caress and his sweet words made me fall in love with him in the first place. I couldn't help but wonder what would of happened if I had met Hunter first, and once again, I hated that I felt like this. The doctor's keep telling me that the first step to recovery, is admital.