Eclectic5 [h.styles] // Discontinued

fifty-eight

     I, once again, was seated on the couch in front of the TV. I had, much to my dismay, dropped out of university. I wasn't able to concentrate and I was failing, so I left. I had a job as an assistant to an editor a few blocks down, and that remains the only reason I'm in the same neighborhood. I thought that being in Newcastle, closer to Aaron, by myself, would make things easier. Instead, as I put forth no effort, things remained the same. 

I mindlessly flipped through channels until I came across Newcastle's version of The Today Show. I wasn't paying much attention. Instead, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, listening to the lull of their topic.

    "They're the hottest girl group in the world! Due to personal delays, their tour was canceled. Now they're back and brighter than ever and we have the pleasure of their first interview in a year! Please welcome Ella Trane, Summer Hayes, Kennedy Marz, and Rocky Peterson of Eclectic5!"

My head shot up and once I recovered from a dizzy spell, I stared at the screen. There. They were actually here. Bubbly and happy and "brighter than ever!" I could feel my heart rate pick up and sweat begin to bead around my hairline. Brighter than ever. They certainly seemed that way. Happier and more energetic and care-free. Without me. Without . . . Me. 

I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, trying to calm my breathing. The tap ran, my hands gripped the sides, and water dripped from my face.

Yeah . . . Maybe that's how things are better off. Without me. The world's better without me. And so I shall grant it.

I sat on the floor and cradled my wet face in my hands. 

Better off without me.

No more aggravation, hospital visits, paparazzi asking about Harry and I, fighting, nothing.

Everyone was better off without me.

My head spun through all the ways. The ways I was told about in grade 9 and the ways I cried over because Wow, how low could you get to want to kill yourself? Well, this low, apparently. 

I didn't want to be in pain. I wanted it to be smooth and assured. So I narrowed it down. 

There's a river around my house. It's steep. Very deep very soon. And I would do it tomorrow. I wouldn't be able to talk myself out of it, then. I'm not sure why I gave myself one more night, but it seemed reasonable at the time. So I went with it. Tomorrow, near dawn, everything would be over.

I believe I should have felt fear, but, instead, I felt relief. I'd be done. Thank God. That's what I needed. I needed release. 

But, ha, how stupid of me: I should tell Aaron goodbye.

For the next few hours, I simply sat on the couch and stared at the blank telly screen. I didn't want to sleep, or I'd forget. I would just wait. Only a few more hours left anyway. So I sat, for about thirteen hours. Doing nothing.

Then, at about 5, I shot a text to Aaron saying he was really cool but, regardless of all the help he offered, I was done. I'd see him in heaven.

My mind was so fuzzy, dazed, confused, numb, that all of this seemed normal.

I slipped on a pair of shoes and walked out the door. It was coming on December, and I looked like an idiot, but I still went out in pajama shorts and a tank top.

What a shame, I'd never make it to my next birthday.

I wonder how they'll celebrate this.

I bet Harry'll be pretty excited. I bet he can't wait to hook up with Cara. Or anyone really. But, you know, Cara.

I wonder how excited Aaron will be now that he isn't my babysitter anymore.

My feet came in contact with the ice cold water and I waded. Now or never.

A/N: This is overdue and abrupt and I'm sorry but I lost interest a while back (can you tell) so I had to outline the last few chapters and start writing. Yes, this will be over pretty soon. And I think I'm scratching the sequel idea. I'm sorry! But, I did join the MCU (Marvel comics) and Hunger Games fandoms and my other account @peterquill will hold my new books with those and spawning fandoms. I'm sorry, again!