Gamer Girl Ramblings

Family Fun

My mother absolutely hates my father. The only reason they stay together is because of us kids, yet I reckon they do way more harm than good by staying in the same house. Shouting match after shouting match, insult after insult, wave of profanity after wave of profanity. It's embarrassing and sad. I don't like to be around them. They ruin anything and everything if they are together. Every family outing is ruined. We haven't been on holiday for about eight years now. I used to dread coming home from school.

I know, for a fact, 100%, that my mother absolutely despises me. Don't give me the whole "she's your mum, she loves you" thing, because that's idealistic bullshit. She says that I got nothing from her, that I am entirely unlike her. She says that I got everything, my personality and psyche, from my father. She despises him. She hates him with a blind passion. She has physically hurt him before. I was told that when I was just a baby she even pulled a knife on him to shut him up once. She sees nothing but him in me, and she hates me for it. I'm writing this from a bench in my garden because I don't want to go inside with her. Just now she said it was such a pity I was like him and not her. She said I do nothing but insult her, just like him. Contrary to many parent's beliefs, respect works both ways. I am a firm believer in "respecting your elders", and apply this rule anywhere possible. When you get no respect back from your elders it hurts. I clean up around the house, I cook, I wash up afterwards whether I was the one in the kitchen or not, I do the shopping every other week (whether that means going up the high street or into town), I mow the lawn.

Mum had a shitty childhood. She grew up as the only girl in a family of four boys. She got shit constantly. She had to be tough to even scrape along. She spent a lot of time in hospital when she was young and she didn't understand anything that was going on - every time her parents came to visit her (which was about once a week) she thought she was going home, and when they left she felt like she wasn't' wanted at all. Her parents showed her no remorse and barely any love at all. I respect her so much because of this, I look up to her as the strongest person I know, and yet to her I'm a scummy piece of nothing. I am the spawn of the object of her utter hate. If I had a shitty childhood (hey, I pretty much did already, pffft) I would do everything in my power to make sure my own kids got infinitely better treatment and consideration. You don't have to be a horrible person just because you were treated badly by horrible people once. You can learn from it and use it as fuel for the rest of your life. You can grow as a person, you can become wiser. But I guess I'm wrong because my mother is living proof otherwise.

If this means I'm going to be a shitty, shouting, bitchy woman when I grow up I'd rather not grow up. I practically a, grown up. I'm eighteen. I can learn to drive, I have full responsibility for my actions. I've always yearned for the freedom of my own home, but I don't want a family. Every family comes with good and bad points, but I just can't take any more bad points, I really can't. I decided long ago I didn't want children and that view never changed - it was only cemented. Job wise, I'm training to become a teacher at college. I wanted to teach kids respect and good morals, that they're words were powerful and could do a lot of good but also a lot of harm. Lately I've come to believe I cannot do this. I feel that I am too weak, too pathetic.

Nobody will care about any of this anyway, and I do not ask for pity. I'm a pretty rotten person. I don't deserve it or want it. I just want to vanish forever.