As I write this, I am sat downstairs in my living room, alone, in the dark. I am the only one awake. Tomorrow, I am to enrol at college where the rest of my life shall commence.
But I don't want that. It's not that I don't want to go to college. It's that I don't want the rest of my life.
I have tried so, so hard to get on top of depression. The thing is, I have existential depression which is basically the mental equivalent of cancer. There's next to no treatments for it, other than being creative, but that idea went to shit when nobody read my work of two years. It was like having my heart torn out through my throat and being stomped on in front of me. I've tried exercise routines, getting outdoors for hours a day, dietary changes, three types of medication (each at three different doses), help groups (the worst idea ever), five psychologists and fifteen plus counsellors. Counsellors do fundamentally NOT WORK. They are the ultimate placebo effect in mental health - you can talk all you fucking want, but nothing will change unless YOU take action, and it can be so damn hard to find the motivation to actually get up and make that change. Then when I did take the action, nothing I did worked in the slightest. It has rapidly become apparent that the psychologists know absolutely NOTHING about depression, and that those with the condition are little more than research for them whilst they get their pathetic acts together. I'm not depressed because my life is hard, I have it so lucky compared to so many others, but because the world is basically, ideologically shit. It's a shithole, it's been a shithole for centuries now, and not enough people actually give a damn for that to change. Every time I attempt something positive I get laughed at, put down or I fail somehow. I've gotten up time after time, but it's just exhausting. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't even want to try.
I have given up on everything. I have zero hope. Writing this is pointless, nobody cares, and why should they? I'm a piece of shit. My own family treats me as such.
YOU ARE READING
Gamer Girl Ramblings
Novela JuvenilI don't know what else to do. My loss of passion in writing is soul crushingly massive in nature. My name is Vicki Lewis, I'm eighteen, and this is my collection of random sh*t. You will be offended. You will be butthurt. You may very well want to d...
