living in memories

cold coffee

Dan never thought he would experience the after. The after of everything that felt right to him, everything that made sense. But right now he got to taste how it felt. It felt like standing naked in the pouring rain on a cold winter day. It felt like acid running down your throat. There was really nothing nice about anything after.

He tried to convince himself otherwise, tried to tell himself that it was for the better. But it wasn't and there's nothing to sugarcoat it with. He still heard Phil's words, that he desperately tried to believe, echoing inside his head.

This has nothing to do with you.

He really tried to believe it. He wanted to believe it. But now, nearly two weeks after Phil had left him, he could only laugh at his words. Words that stung like a bee, if he was being quite honest. He never thought words could hurt that much. Oh what a fool he was.

He spent the last two weeks blankly staring at his wall, which was nothing unusual, but he didn't even have the energy to think or question his own life. Something he found himself doing more often than he should. All he could do for the past 13 days was stare at this wall and watch the shadows fall as the time went by way to slow, dragging every second of the day into something that felt like years.

He ignored every call he got and didn't respond to a single message, generally avoiding any kind of interaction with people he knew cared about him. Dan didn't want to worry any of them but knew better than to think he didn't. He cursed under his breath as he realized that he at least could've let them know that he wasn't dead or anything.

Stop acting like a teenage Girl, Dan. Get a grip.

If Dan learned anything over the past days, it would be that Phil wasn't worth any more of his tears and thoughts than he already wasted on him. So he got up, made himself presentable and charged his phone, ready to encounter the mess he left behind. Today was gonna be the day he moved on.

"You got this, Howell. Smile.", he said to himself, forcefully smiling at the mirror he was looking at. He couldn't deny that this looked anything but real. It's been so long since he actually smiled that even his cheeks started to hurt after a minute, like his muscles forgot how to do it. But it had to work, if only just for today.

He grabbed his phone and unplugged it from his charger to check who had texted and called him during the time is phone completely died. It wasn't much but definitely more than he had expected.

7 missed calls from: mother

3 missed calls from: lucas

2 missed calls from: phil x

He forced himself to ignore the notification that told him Phil had tried to call him and didn't even bother to look at any of the text messages he got. Why would he still want to talk to Dan after what he'd said to him? Dan didn't want to think about it and stuffed his phone into the pocket of his jeans, deciding that he'd give his mum a call after he had finished work today.

He grabbed a jacket and left the house, locking up behind him. The library he worked at was only a few blocks away and he still had thirty minutes left before he started his shift so there was no need to hurry. He took small steps, slowed down and took his time to just breathe. The cold air hit him in the face and let him feel somewhat alive.

He came across a small cafe and decided to grab himself a coffee, spontaneously getting one for his boss as well. He looked at the small menu, scanning what the shop had to offer and went with an iced latte instead of his usual order, which was a caramel macchiato. Something he always ordered when he was with Phil. He shook his head and paid for his order. It was harder than he thought to not think about Phil.