Unfiltered Testimony

introlude

a glimpse of hope rumbles my spirit when the text notification goes off on my phone, secretly wishing its your name that pops up on the top of my screen. then that once pit of butterflies quickly sinks into a heaping pile of disappointment. the one person i want to hear from is you, but deep down i know you are paying me no mind what so ever. oh how badly i yearn for your attention, just to know — hey , he actually thought about me today. will that day ever come, probably not, but then that's where hope comes in. fucking up the mojo of things as usual.

hope is actually disgustingly sickening if you think about it. the fact that a piece of your brain operates just to get you excited for something that may not even happen. you have any idea how painful it is to be let down. Like have you ever taken a test and just knew you passed and you get the results back to see all your preparation ended with a failure, ever tried a new dish at restaurant because they described it so eloquently on the menu and it ends up tasting like — excuse my french — shit! that may not have even been french, but you get my point here. why the fuck would the creater of all things wonderful and good in the world give us the ability to feel hopeless and tore down from just a single unreceived text message. it's cynical if you ask me.

oh but with hope comes faith, and from my previous sentence you'd probably not even think i'm a fully devoted women of God. but here's the thing, i'm not your standard by the book christian. i challenge the big questions, because i'm not afraid to give out the big answers. my faith may honestly be the biggest thing about me aside from my head and potty mouth, but on a serious note i contradict myself to say faith will always and forever conquer any disappointment you may face. hope was given to us so that we learn the capabilities that faith has.

in my opinion Faith is all about perspective, for example ask yourself "how do i view my short comings and downfalls?" , its either a lesson or a blessing. if you look at disappointment as a painful wound that hurts you and causes you to wallow away in self pity, then you won't give yourself the opportunity to learn from it. Fall off your bike, scrape your knee, and get discouraged but you realize the journey was amazing and you learned what not to do. So then you get back on your bike and petal to the metal and now you're a pro. what once had you on your ass now has you on your feet bigger and better then ever. you learned from your mistake so that you won't make it again. hope put you on the bike but faith kept you going.

this is honestly for me, but i've learned that your pain isn't meant to be bottled in and sulked over, its a testimony for someone else going through the same thing to show them that if you can overcome it so can they. i'm a writer, so for me this is my outlet, it's my way to think out loud in silence without a biased opinion except my own, because i think my work is phenomenal. not to sound like and egotistical douse-bag, but i think i'm the greatest person in the world and i'm entitled to that. you either build yourself or tear yourself down and you see which side of the spectrum i'm on with that one.

but like i was saying, this is for me, these chapters are my way to think and cope through my many testimonial experiences. my way to reflect and say to myself "Damn sis look at what you've made it through". it's for the public so take from it what you will, but understand i will conform and filter myself for no one. i only know how to be honest, and you may honestly not like some of the things i have to say. but here's where that potty mouth comes in again, i don't give a fuck.

God made me in his image, so feel free to take all the pictures you'd like.

Let's Begin ...