how I became happy

Childhood

I had a really good childhood I guess. I mean I don't really remember but I was told I always had a smile on my face. Well that was until I had a camera pointed at me. I don't know why but I never smiled for pictures. My mom also told me I always scared the life out of her because I would ask strangers for hugs. There are two tings I distinctly remember about my childhood. The first one didn't effect me that much but the second one really messed me up in my mindset. The first one is that when I was about 3 or 4 we just moved to our new house when I was with my older sister and brother at his friends house when I fell asleep so they decided to take me home and go back out. So when they took me home my mom was watching me but she went to he bathroom when this happened. I woke up and remembered being with them so I went out the house to go find the. I know stupid for a kid to do but mind you I was 3 or 4. So anyways since my mom was is the bathroom and thought I was still sleeping she thought it was older siblings coming home so she wasn't concerned until she checked on me and realized I was gone. When she found out she called the police. Anyway back on to what happened. When I was waking around a pretty big neighborhood trying to find my siblings when this tall figure dressed in all black saw me and I don't what was going through his head but he tried to kidnapped me. He went over to me and threw me over his shoulder. I was so small I couldn't do anything. But lucky for me this guy saw everything that had happened and he wasn't having it so he yelled I forgot exactly what he yelled but it scared the guy so he dropped me and ran. After that he took me to his house and gave me some chips. To this day I can still remember what kind they were lays barbeque chips. Before I go on the most ironic thing was when I started school the next year he went to the same school as me. Back on track I don't know how but my older brother and the police found me. So the police walked me and my brother home turned out I was just around the corner from my house. The other thing I vividly remember is when I was around 6 I got raped if you can even call t that I guess. so before I tell the story let me give you some background knowledge on the person and his family. So he was around 3 or 4 years older than me and he had a huge crush on my older sister him and his brother and his whole family were perverts. His sister was a pervert cause she always tried to undress me one time I was wearing a shirt that zips up and me being a stupid little kid didn't wear anything under it. She walked up to me and just unzipped my shirt and groped my chest. His brother I don't remember everything but I do remember one time we were playing hide and seek and he made me hide with him when we were hiding he groped me and said you got be quite so they don't find us so I just took it. So what had happened with him was that everyone was inside but him and me. I don't know exactly how this conversation started but he started talking about sex and I didn't really understand but then he said he was married to my sister and I had to have sex with him or something bad about my sister I don't really remember but I still didn't want to do it but he told me I had to. So I did mind you I was around 6 or 7 and he was between 9, 10 or 11 I cant really remember but I remember he looked like he was 13 but I don't think he was. Anyway so when I finally gave up he pulled y shorts in his front yard and raped me. After he was done this lady came out of her car and saw me pant less so she came over and yelled at me. Only at me because he ran away. So she took me to my house how she knew where I lived I don't know how but she did. So she took me to my house and told my parents she saw me pant less in someone's yard. my parents took me in the house whooped me and grounded me didn't even ask my side of the story. So basically I got in trouble because of the aftermath of getting raped. Because I got in trouble afterwards I wonder if I deserved it. After it happened I still had to be around him and act like everything was ok because in my mind if I dint act like everything was ok and I told someone they would tell me what I was secretly thinking that I deserved I was asking for it it was my fault or I'm a slut. Know me being older I know logically none of these are true but I still think them and I cant stopped myself from thinking. Well that it for know before I start crying.