how I became happy

Vent

This is going to be a little vent sorry for the people who want me to finish the story but I just need to get this off of my chest. So I'm putting this here on wattpad because I will never have the courage to say this to my family and directly to my friends but since I know that one of my very best friends read this I'm putting this here because I don't have the courage to do anything else. I just recently found out that April 29 was denim day for which if you don't know what that is its a day where you wear all denim because of what happened in Italy a while ago what happened was that an 18 year old girl was picked up by her driver instructor and that same day he raped her he was never put in jail for the reason that her jeans were to tight so she must of took them off implying consent which she didn't give. If that's not correct then I'm very sorry because that's what I heard. So because of this I decided to share my story in more detail and just kind of vent while I'm at it. So what happened was that I was 6 and I was playing with my neighbor who was older than both me and my big sister but he was our friend so he started talking about sex and said that I have to have sex with him and I didn't want to and I told him that but he told he would do something bad to my older sister if I didn't so I did and then our neighbor saved me halfway through and he ran to his house because we were in his front yard and my neighbor took me home my mom later said that she didn't take me to the police because there would be no way to prove it because I was so young. But that wasn't the only thing his sibling would assault me to his younger sister would also try to trip me and continually touch me in places where I told her not to and his older brother when we were hiding during hide and seek he would rub his crotch against me and I never told anyone because I thought that's was normal and I honestly forgot until later when my cousin from dc came and I was in my grandma's basement all by myself sitting in a chair and he came over to me forced himself in the char and did the same thing the he asked me to see my boobs and got mad when I said no. And I'm saying all this because Its 5 in the morning and I'm just trying to go to sleep and all these painful memories keep coming up and I'll never tell my parent because I honestly don't think they will believe I tried to kill myself more time to count and my sister knows this when we were little she would always tell me to die like all siblings do but after I tried to kill myself and I gave her my suicide note she's been telling me to kill myself and when I told my dad that that bothered me he told me that if I was weak enough to listen and do what she says then I should die and my sister refuses to believe that that actually really hurts me and just think that I'm dramatic and to tell my parents that I feel like this I tell them that I want to die but in a joke because if I actually talk emotions with them I will have a full breakdown and my mom just says jeez thanks like she's the victim because I want to die ad because of this my parent will never believe that I feel like this and this quarantine is just making everything worse because I never get out of bed unless forced to and I have no will to live and I don't want to tell my friends how I feel because I fear that if they knew how broken I actually am they wouldn't want anything to do with me because I'm supposed to be strong I'm the one whos supposed to comfort them when actually I'm just slowly breaking inside and I just want to kill myself so people can see how much I'm actually hurting but every time I try it never works and I also don't think I have the right to feel like this because people have gone trough way worse and there able to stay strong but I'm just tired of trying to be strong I'm just tired of everything and I honesty don't think I'm gong to be able to finish this story because how am I supposed to write a story about a fictional version of me being happy and finding a girlfriend when I can't even bring myself to be happy and I cant even tell my grandma I'm ay cause I love my grandma so much but if I tell her she may never love me again. I'm sorry for anyone who I bothered with this I just had to get this off of my chest before it eats me up inside I just don't know hat to do at this point well I just hope that all of you reading this is happy because I can't stand when someone else isn't happy I know ironic because of how unhappy I am. Well once again I'm very sorry to the people who want me to finish this story but I don't think that will happen in while.