how I became happy

Elementary + Middle school

In elementary school my life was weird I guess you could say. For kindergarten I went to 3 different classes and 2 different schools. weird I know but It happened. I was also severely bullied from kindergarten to I forget all because I was a very small kid because I was born two years early. Other than that elementary was cool. Middle school I also got bullied but not as bad I guess I'm just an easy target. During those years I made multiple suicide notes that I told no one about. It was also when my parents started realizing I'm not ok. They didn't really do anything but that was because I always said I'm fine even if I was dying inside. My reasoning is because honestly I don't think I deserved help that the reason I felt like this was because I deserved it I guess. But don't blame my parents they are awesome and have problems themselves. My dad has a type of depression but he wont tell me why. My mom was abused by her dad and she got pregnant by my brother by being drugged and raped I guess the women in my family get raped because my sister also got raped. Also the kid she got pregnant from her raped died because her boyfriend at the time shook him. I know who does that apparently him. So that's why you shouldn't blame my parents. But there were some people who defended me then the bullying became people talking behind my back but I could deal with that. I had this really good friend in 7th grade. She was such a good friend I told her about how I was raped. She would let me cry on her shoulder and she was part of the reason why I realized I am pansexual. She made me realize gender doesn't matter by telling me about a lot of tings with LGBT because she was bisexual. I guess I kind of a crush on her as well but she was dating our other friend and another girl at the same time who I later found out was my sisters childhood friend. But she was grade above of me and when she graduated 8th grade since I went to a k-8 school we just drifted apart. I tried to talk to her by texting her I even went to her house cause she gave me address. I guess she just gave up on being my friend or she just became my friend in the first place for pity. I wouldn't be surprised I mean I was just an ugly fat kid who was older than her who was in a grade below her. Who wouldn't pity me. I guess that also made me depressed. Who knows. But in 8th grade people wouldn't be as mean to me and I had some friends. I never told them anything personal but when we played a game I forgot what it was but they asked if they could kill anyone at the table we sat at they all said they would me even I said I would kill me but they didn't question. I wonder if they thought I was joking or they just didn't care probably the second I wouldn't be surprised if they befriended me out of pity. But anyways it was this year when I had enough and just wrote about how I wanted to kill myself and about my rape and my feeling in a book while crying my eyes out and I showed my older sister it hoping she would show my parents cause I could never bring my self to tell them or even show them how I feel inside. But what she did was take it and hide the book like that would take all my pain away and told my dad to talk to me knowing I would never tell anyone else because I just don't know how to but she did anyway. After all I had to deal with during middle school I finally graduated. Since I got less shy in 8th grade they gave me a citizenship award. Yay. But at least I got out of that hell. And time to go to next chapter and this time I wont let anyone bully me. Highschool. I can safely tell you I didn't get bullied in high school I met her the one who gives me happiness I'll introduce her in my next entry.