Internet Friends ›› n.h

Four

We stood there for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only minutes.

I looked him over from head to toe assuming he was doing the same, his eyes looked the same as I remember, with the occasional tear falling from them, his dyed blonde hair was falling onto his face, but his roots were growing out brown, or maybe he liked it that way. He still had a slight dimple in his chin and that one dark freckle on his neck that I had always loved, though he always complained about it.

His body was much more toned now, he never really striked me as someone who would voluntarily work out, but perhaps he was forced to by their management. He was clenching and unclenching his fist, and I could hear his heavy breathing from what had to be 20 feet away.

He was still the same boy that was my friend all that time ago, he was still the same Niall. He was still my Niall.

But still all those little things I missed in his life, getting braces, developing a love for writing music not just singing. Him starting to work out, I assume only sometime last year. Growing from the short little irish guy he was, heart breaks, tours, hate, love. I missed out on it all.

And its my fault.

Moving my eyes back to meet his I see an almost desperate look in his eyes asking the question Im sure everyone would like to know by now. Though it could be some long winded ranting question his eyes say the simplest of all, why?

And I wish, I wish I could answer him or at least give him a sympathetic smile, something, anything. But I cant, Im frozen in place and my mind is racing, my heart is pounding, so much is happening so soon and I cant handle it. What happens when he talks to me? I don't know if Ill be able to talk to him without breaking down, I betrayed him, I hurt him, I left him.

So we continue to stare at each other for now, drowning out all the screams still raging from outside, and just to focus on each other. Though to be honest Im more focused on figuring out what Im going to tell him, what I'm going to tell everyone.

Will he forgive me?

More importantly, why do I care so much?

"Kaylee?" He asks again, shit no I haven't figured out my explanation yet. Stall. Stall. Stall.

I look at the ground shaking my head hoping it will be enough to get Niall's mind off talking and back to studying each other is silence, key word is silence. I still need more time to come up with an excuse for my actions. Wait not an excuse, a white lie?

I don't want to lie though I cant exactly say I did it to help you, because judging by the fact that he's been trying to find me ever since I didn't free him from anything, I just abandoned him. I really had no reason to believe that he was getting sick of me, I convinced myself of that. Then I believed that I was helping him by doing this, and that I would've known if he was looking for me.

"Kaylee, talk to me.." No, I don't want to, I want to run and hide. Is it too late to follow up on that plan to pretend Im not actually Kaylee and big crowds just scare me?

Yes it is.

Shut up conscience.

Answer him then.

No.

Yes.

NO!

"Kaylee please!" Niall pleads, his voice cracking at the end. My heart aches for him, For what he's been through. And I know I probably don't even know the half of it.

I want to speak, but I definitely do not trust my voice right now with everything happening, all the questions in my mind. The main one, and the scariest one being, what happens after I tell him?

Is that the end?

Did he just want an answer?

Will he leave?

Do I want him to leave?

No.

Shut up.

"You cant avoid me forever you know?" He tries to laugh but I know him well enough that its hardly a laugh because his laugh is like a sound from heaven I could just listen to him laughing for hours, but still the fact that he is attempting to brighten the mood reminds me why I loved him in the first place, because he's always happy or even when he's sad, he tries to be happy. Thinking of all this, all the memories almost brings tears of joy to my eyes, joy and just wishing that we could go back to that, it brings a smile onto my face, and it feels great to smile again.

"Theres that smile I love!" Niall exclaims, still staying away from me, but honestly I wish I could just hug him and nuzzle my head into his neck, feel his warmth and dry my tears and be happy. But at the same time I'm not ready to go anywhere near him, and it hurts so bad.

"Ni?" I whisper quietly, and his head pops up automatically nodding for me to continue so taking a deep breath I do, "Can I.. Uhm... Can I hug you?" I ask wiping tears from my face, looking at him awaiting an answer.

"Oh my god of course Kayls!" I freeze up a bit at the use of my old nick name but relax automatically at his touch as he wraps his strong arms around me, and I do the same. Nuzzling my head into his neck, my tears drying and a slight, slight smile forming my lips. I could definitely get used to this, not just being with Niall but being happy and feeling wanted for once.

Its not talking about what happened or even talking at all for that matter, but this is enough for me and hopefully enough for him for the time being it will have to do because its really all my heart can handle at the moment.

I know that its not a lot, but at least its a start.

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Hey! So sorry this one didn't have a lot of drama or anything, just a lot of Kaylees thoughts! I hope its a longer I'm trying haha!

Thanks again to everyone voting and commenting!! Make sure you tell me what you think it could somewhat influence the story! Love you all keep it up! xxx