A Torn Journal - Noriaki Kakyoin - Status: Alive

So It Begins

     "You can what?"
     "I can simulate a heartbeat," Jotaro repeated plainly. "It's the only reason the old man's still alive."
     "Are you saying...," I paused, "that you brought Mr Joestar back from the dead?"
     He nodded with a sarcastic look. "Didn't hear me the first time?"
     At first, I didn't know how to respond. To be able to resurrect people? What amazing power... I was in awe of just the thought of it. That is, until cold realization stirred my thoughts.
     "Did you not," I began, and paused for a moment. "Did you not once, think about me? Or Avdol, or Iggy?" Now my chest was swirling with angry emotions. I'd always trusted Jotaro with my life. That he would never let any of his companions down. I felt foolish for ever thinking that now. "Not once?"
     There was a short silence. Everything was silent. I replayed the conversation over and over in my head. Jotaro had just told us that he actually revived Joseph Joestar. With such a power, you'd think you could revive others as well. Others who died on the journey. Others with family waiting for them. I briefly thought about Kanna, and my parents. I never had a chance to tell them goodbye, and I always thought it was just a horrible accident that I never returned to them. Now I was beginning to feel differently.
     "Kakyoin-" Jotaro started, but I didn't care for what he had to say.
     "Did you think you were the only one with family? Waiting for you to come home?" My emotions had turned to rage now. "Do you realize what you took from me?"
     Now Jotaro looked enraged as well, mixed with huge feeling of shock. He lowered his head and clenched his fist, a threatening glint lighting up his gaze.
     "Going to punch me, Jotaro?" I scoffed darkly. My eyes had begun to water now, whether from rage or regret I'm unsure. "Going to hurt the man you've already beat down to his knees?"
     Joseph stepped forward. "Cut it out, both of you!"
     I ignored him.
     "There's nothing more you can do to me. If it hadn't been for your ignorance, Jotaro... I'd be alive. My parents, my sister, they wouldn't have lost me. How do you think Holly would feel if you were the one that left one day, and never came back? My family is broken." I took in a shuddering breath. "And it's... it's all your fault!"
     Never in my life have I lost my temper in such a way. I had always been a generally calm person. But I had no way to fight the unnatural feelings I had now, and before I knew it, I had summoned Hierophant and punched Jotaro across the face, knocking him to the ground. He lay there for a while, his calm, slow breaths taunting me, as if I still meant nothing to him.
     "Kakyoin," Jotaro said darkly. "You don't understand." He didn't dare look me in the eye. The fact that he wouldn't face me made me even angrier. I think I was shaking at this moment, but I'm not sure. It was unlike Jotaro just to sit and take it. He didn't fight back, and somehow, that made it worse. Like he didn't even care. Like he was guilty. He has no good excuse to use, I noted silently. He knows he could've saved us. He just didn't. But... Why?
     "Noriaki, quit," Caesar growled, grabbing my shoulder as I tried to step forward. "This is ridiculous. You have to stop."
     I jerked out of his grasp. "Ridiculous? All of this is ridiculous to you?" I breathed deeply and shudderingly, looking into Caesar's Void-Black eyes that carried a different feeling now. I didn't try to decide on what it was.
     "My entire family was lost to The Void. I couldn't save any of them." His breaths were slow, as if he was trying to calm himself. A cold shudder went through him- an incredible feeling of fear and sadness that I'd never seen in even him before. "You think that's easy to watch? Do you think I didn't do everything, absolutely everything, in my power to try to prevent that? And I still failed. I failed to save even one of them."
     Caesar stepped closer to me, but I backed away.
     "Void is getting to you, Noriaki." His voice turned into a plead. "I'm begging you. Don't let that happen."
     "Don't act like you're higher than me," I began with a scowl. He tensed up, as if he didn't want me to continue. I didn't care. "Your pain is temporary. You'll see your family again in two and a half weeks, tops. But Kanna just lost her brother at age fourteen. And as far as my parents know, I was murdered somehow. Their pain is going to last the rest of their lives. I never realized how much I loved them until my life was over." I paused. "I can't go back to my family. But yours can come back to you. You can still save them."
     Caesar drew a sharp breath. "Noriaki," he breathed with a dark pain in his eyes. There was a long silence before he actually said anything else. A long, deafening time when nobody spoke, nobody moved, save for grey expressions and pained breaths. Finally, Caesar fell to his knees. I don't think anything could've surprised me more. He seemed absolutely defeated, though I couldn't see his face as his head was looking to the ground. He laughed darkly. It was closer to a cry than a laugh. "I can hardly save myself."
It wasn't long before I hit the ground too, sitting next to him with my arms resting on my knees and my head down.
"Anthonio," I said. I hated using the fake name. "I'm... Sorry."
He was quiet for a few moments longer.
"Don't tell me," he murmured. "Tell him." He made a subtle motion with his head to point at Jotaro who was now standing and looking at us both with an expression that I couldn't read.
"I can't," I replied in a voice that only Caesar would be able to hear. "I can't do that. I just... I don't know. But I can't apologize to him yet." I felt like Jotaro still didn't deserve it. No matter how bad I might've felt for Caesar, I wasn't ready to forgive Jotaro. He hadn't given me a reason to. "He took everything from me."
Caesar stared at me with such a dark pain in his eyes that I thought Void might actually take him now. He took a deep, tense breath. Whatever he was about to say, he really didn't want to.
"Then I have no business talking with you."
As he stood up and darkly walked to the other side of the room, I tried to comprehend what had just happened. Did he just side with Jotaro? Was I just... Abandoned?
Sitting there on the floor, alone, my head resting down on my arms and hiding my view of everyone, I no longer knew what to think. Tears had started to stream down my cheeks. No one could see them with my face hidden. I couldn't decide whether to be sorry or angry at my companions. And the dead silence of the room only made me feel worse. It wasn't the fact that I'd caused a scene- That actually didn't bother me. It was because I'd shocked everyone. Nobody would've expected that reaction out of me, and because they were so quiet, I couldn't tell who, if anyone, was really supporting me anymore.
I glanced up to see Avdol walking towards me. When he reached the place where I sat pitifully, he extended an arm to me, offering to help me up. I accepted the offer.
"Come on Kakyoin," he told me, but his voice didn't carry any clear, specific emotion. I let him help me to my feet and followed him without question. He's taking me to my hotel room, I noticed silently. Probably to lecture me. Do I... deserve it?
Caesar leaned darkly on a wall, Joseph gave a concerned look to Jotaro, and Polnareff gaped at me in shock. Jotaro stood motionless, glaring past us all. I'd never seen that kind of look on his face before. But when we stepped out the door, the room we left behind was quiet. I heard a murmur when we closed the door behind us.
"I didn't know Kakyoin had a temper," Polnareff's voice came.
"He has good reason to," Joseph added. I grew embarrassed. My companions will be talking about me for days. I had time to think as Avdol and I silently- completely silently- made our way to my room. Was what I did back there really worth it? I made a fool of myself. And that look on Jotaro's face... I briefly brought it back to my memory. It was an emotion that I'd never seen on his face, and I'd never expected to see. I don't know how to explain it. It was pain. Emotional pain. I knew that Jotaro cared for us all deep down, even if he often didn't show it. But something was different about that face. Whatever was going on in Jotaro's mind was troubling him more than anything else ever could. I caused that didn't I? Should I have... kept my mouth shut? I thought on the question for a moment. Maybe. But I had to stand up for my family. I won't let them be tortured for anyone's peace of mind...
I followed Avdol through the door to my hotel room. It looked unusually tidy compared to Caesar's, which now had bandages laying about, furniture knocked over, and drops of blood seeped into the floor. Mr Joestar would have to pay the hotel for the mess, but he had plenty of money to spare.
I sat down on the bed at the far end of the room, picked up a pillow, and buried my face in it. Avdol sat next to me.
"Space," I said sternly, raising my head up to look at him.
"Right," he sighed, and moved to the other bed a little over a meter away.
"Sorry," I noted. At this I shoved my face back into the pillow.
"No, I understand." There was silence for a moment. My eyes were still watering, but into the pillow this time. I could feel him looking at me. But taking everything that had just happened into account, what's new? "Before I say anything," he started at last, "I want you to understand that I don't know how you feel. I didn't have anyone waiting back home for me. This is only my secondhand opinion. Okay?"
I nodded- I didn't feel like trying to form coherent sentences through the muffling of the cushion.
"I see why you're so upset about this," he continued. "And why you were so upset with Jotaro. But we're working towards one goal. And no matter what happens, we can't forget that. The Void is trying to tear us apart."
I was thinking just like that earlier that day. What changed? I thought for a moment, but I quickly realized the reasons for my sudden change in feelings. It was exactly what Caesar was trying to tell me, my thoughts scolded. And if I'd paid attention to him I could've made this right. But I'm so... Ignorant. Void can get to me almost as much as it can get to him now. I let my guard down for a moment and it got me here. The memory of Jotaro's troubled face flashed through my mind again. What have I done...?
"Avdol," I muttered into the pillow. "I've made a horrible mess..."
"If it helps, this kind of thing was unavoidable. Caesar warned us that it would happen."
"I had to have played a part here," I told him. I pulled the pillow away from my face so he could hear better. "You haven't slipped up like this, for instance. And you've been infected longer than I have."
"That's true," he responded. "But my infection has only grown over time for the most part. You've taken more of a beating than I have, Kakyoin."
"Your point being...?"
"There's much more Void covering you than me," he stated. I stared at him in confusion.
"Really?"
Avdol returned the look. "Have you looked in a mirror recently?"
When I shook my head, he held up one of the golden symbols he was wearing around his neck. I looked into it, it's smooth, gleaming surface reflecting my face. My face that was starting to develop some of the dark greyish-black skin that proved The Void's infection. I think I gasped when I saw it. The darkness had spread from my neck to the side of my jaw and was beginning to grow on my cheeks. It was around my right eye, but wasn't obstructing my vision. The roots of my hair were also starting to turn black. It didn't seem like too much compared to Avdol having half of his face covered in Void, but for him it was mostly on his head and shoulders. It hadn't spread very far on the rest of his body. I had Void starting to cover my feet, by now. I knew it was getting worse, but I had no idea how bad it was.
"You're right," I breathed. I rubbed my hand across the side of my face. It stung to the touch. "Do you think I have any more than a week left?"
"I don't know," he responded with another sigh. "We could ask Caesar, but I don't think that's a very good idea until you both cool off."
I stuffed my face back into the pillow.
"Why did I have to punch Jotaro...?" I mumbled into it.
"It wasn't your fault," Avdol tried to assure me. I raised up and shot him a doubtful glance before quickly burying myself into the pillow again.
"I bet he had a perfectly good reason for not reviving us. He probably couldn't have done it if he tried because of our injuries..." Despite what I said, something about my better judgement told me otherwise. I tried to disregard the feeling.
"You love your family, Kakyoin," Avdol noted. "You'd do anything for them. You don't want them to be hurting over losing you, and you feel like anything that tries to cause that is interfering with their happiness. And maybe you're right." There was a pause. "But you love your friends just as much. For Void to try to feed on love is horrible, but if he can, he will. He's trying to get you caught between your friends and family, and if that happens, you'll end up hurting both somehow. The Void is trying hard to take you. Don't let him."
I suddenly knew how Caesar always felt.
"I don't want him to. But how can I stop him?"
"I don't know," he murmured. "But you can start by listening. If we tell you that Void is taking hold of you, you're going to have to swallow your pride and listen."
As I was thinking everything over, the room grew silent. I'd made a huge mistake. Great job, Noriaki, I scolded myself. You just made things worse for everyone.
"I need to make this right," I said after a few minutes.
"You will," Avdol replied. "We've been through hard times before."
Somehow that simple statement encouraged me. We had been through hard times. Times of pain, loss, and death. But we'd come through. I remembered something that I'd told Caesar in the hall. Every moment is a fresh start. That applies to both of us now. We're going to mess up sometimes- It's human nature. But we can't let this bring us down. We can't let it bring everyone else down, either. We have one goal right now. And saving the universe is much more important than any of our petty disputes, so until we accomplish that, we're going to have to keep our anger to ourselves. Everything we've ever come through has led up to now- A time when our lives don't necessarily matter. The lives of billions are the ones we're trying to save. We can't be selfish.
We have one purpose now.