We both pulled back from the kiss, breathless.
He stared into my eyes, "John, I really don't want to ruin this, but I've got to tell you something." He took a deep breath, "I really want to take things further but I want to let you know that we can take things as slow or as fast as you want. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable." I nodded. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about that from time to time. okay I thought about it a lot. But I wasn't sure I was ready to go there. Not yet at least.
"John? Are you okay?"
I shook my head, "Yeah I'm fine I just was thinking. I have to say I have thought about that before. I'm just not sure I'm ready for that. I want to see how things go before anything happens. I hope you understand."
Freddie smiled, "Of course. I'm just glad something finally happened for us. I'll tell you dear, I've liked you ever since I first laid eyes on you but I hadn't become comfortable with myself yet. It's just one of those things. I'm still questioning myself everyday. But I have to tell myself that it'll be okay. I can't be happy if you keep wondering about what goes on in your mind." I nodded.
"I get that." I felt a lump forming in the back of my throat. How do I get out of this.
"Let's lighten up the mood a bit. I'll come by your place later. Surprise me with what we do." I got up and almost pulled Freddie up with me. I ushered him to the door.
"Okay but John we should talk more. I.." I pushed him out the door and nearly collapsed on the floor. Tears nearing the tipping point.
I got myself up and went to my phone. I shakily put in Brian's number. please answer. Please, please, please.
"Hello?"
"Brian, can you please come over? I need to talk."
He sounded worried, "Of course. I'll be there in about 15 minutes."
I hung up the phone and instantly wished I hadn't put away the whiskey. I would have drank more but if I was going to go over Freddie's place I didn't want to be drunk. So I decided to go sit on the sofa and turn on the telly. Trying not to focus on what was going through my mind. But clearly that didn't work. My mind had drifted off again and I realized this when I heard Brian knocking on the door.
I slowly walked over and opened the door. I must've cried too as Brian saw me and seemed shocked.
"John is everything okay?" I shook my head no. He walked in and brought me to the sofa.
"What's wrong?" Everything.
"I just, I've been thinking about things and it makes me scared. I don't want people to hate me."
"John nobody's gonna hate you. Why don't you just tell me what's going on. It'll help you let go of them."
I took a breath, "Well, I was talking with Freddie. About how we both want things to happen between us. He told me how he liked me ever since we first met and how it took him so long to do something because he was still trying to be comfortable with himself. And it got me thinking, 'Am I okay with myself?' And I just don't know because I always push that away because I don't want people to not like me. And it just worries me. And I don't even have time to think about who I like. And I think I don't like women. I just thought I was supposed to because that's how I was raised."
Brian broke in before I could continue, "John, don't worry about it. Even if other people don't like you, you have at least three other people who will always love you. And Freddie will make sure you know more people like you. But think about it. Freddie's so well liked and Bowie. Shakespeare for god sake. The point is if people really like you they'll look past all that. Don't worry. It's all okay." It's all okay. I looked up to Brian who was giving me a reassuring look.
"Thank you Brian. I really needed to hear that. Especially before our date tonight." I almost giggled.
"Oh look at you Deaky. Already got a date. Well I bet it will be fantastic." I smiled and nodded.
"Well I'll get going. You get ready for that date of yours. You'll have to let me know how it goes."
I smiled and watched as he left. Everything was going to be okay. And Freddie even said I cant be happy if I keep questioning myself.
I got up and went to call Freddie.
"Freddie speaking."
"Freddie, it's John. Sorry about earlier. I needed to clear my head. But I wanted to check if I was still okay to come over?"
I could hear his smile, "Of course. I'll have a chef come over and make something. Be over in about an hour and a half okay, dear?"
"Okay, I'll be there." I hung up and smiled.
"I guess I've got to get ready." I walked up the stairs and went to get ready.
