Aftermath (Drarry)

Chapter 12: "The Boy Who Disappointed"

A/N: At this point you guys shouldn't even be surprised that I didn't even last a week with my resolution. Enjoy the chapter :) 

HARRY:

Harry might have enjoyed the game of Quidditch had he not been distracted by his sexuality dilemma. The Ravenclaw seeker caught the snitch after twenty-five minutes, leading to Gryffindor losing by twenty points. After the game, Harry got changed faster than he ever had before and left the changing rooms to meet Hermione and Luna, leaving Ron with the Ravenclaws.

"You were great, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed as he approached. She indicated to the Ravenclaw seeker, who was talking to Ginny outside the broom shed; neither of them had changed out of their quidditch robes. "There's no way she would have caught it if you had been practising, or if you still had your Firebolt."

"Or if you didn't have something else on your mind," Luna added. Trust Luna to see right through him. He just had to hope that they wouldn't push it.

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, I mean, she is very good."

"You are too, Harry," Luna said. "Even though our win was well-deserved."

Harry didn't know what to say to that so he didn't say anything. Luckily, the uncomfortable silence didn't last long as Ron and joined them from the changing rooms a few seconds later.

"Good game," Hermione said, smiling at Ron.

"It was good to get back out there, you know. Even if we didn't win."

The conversation continued as they walked back to the castle, but Harry wasn't listening. He couldn't help but wonder what his friends would think of him if he told them that he thought he might be a little bit gay. He had no idea what their opinions on the matter were as it was not something they had ever talked about. Rationally, he knew that they weren't against homosexuality because they seemed totally fine with Dean and Seamus being together, but maybe it would be different because it's him. He could imagine it popping their little bubble of friendship, or worse, they could tell everybody. Harry reckoned that no matter the views the Wizarding World had about gay people, there would be an uproar if that were to come out about him. It seemed like most of the country was eagerly waiting for him to become an Auror and then settle down and have children. Luna had told him in the summer that they just wanted to live vicariously through their hero, but that didn't change the crushing weight of all their expectations on Harry's shoulders. Harry Potter: the boy who disappointed.

At lunch, Harry felt no desire to participate in any conversation but unlike at breakfast, he didn't want to look around at anyone. He stared down at his plate as he picked at his food. His friends were talking about their plans for the future; that seemed to be all they talked about these days.

Hermione was telling Ron about the training process for becoming an Auror. "I've been reading about it. You will mostly just learn by being out in the field. A lot of the new recruits struggle at first with the intensity of it, but you and Harry are probably better than a lot of the trained Aurors, so you'll have no problems."

"Great," Ron said. "I don't think I could stand being in a classroom any longer. Right, Harry?"

Harry looked up slightly, not fully meeting Ron's eyes. "Oh, um, yeah." They seemed satisfied with this contribution.

Harry started to hear their conversation as if he were listening from some distance - as if he were floating outside of his body. He felt like he was watching emotions playing out his head, rather than actually feeling them. Could he really be gay? What did that mean for the feelings he'd had for Cho and Ginny? Had he been lying to them? To himself? Was there a way he could be both? He had to find out. His body excused him from the table, without finishing his lunch, and walked from the Great Hall straight to the library. By the time he got there, he felt more in control. He wondered at what point in his life he started feeling better when he was alone.