Swirl

10.2. To Be: Thato.

I had been trying to remain inconspicuous as I lay on the bed, in a vain attempt to make my incessant headache go away, but it was proving to be damn near impossible.

Why? Because she was crying.

After that creature left the room looking desolate and devastated, he initiated a domino effect. He was upset, she was sad, Patience was mad and I was becoming angry.

Why was she crying over him? If you ask me, the air became breathable once he left. I was finally able to breath.

Him just being in my personal space had my body on all kinds of alert, tingling with adrenaline. If he even so much as laid a finger on me, he wouldn't live to see the next day. I may have played it cool the night before because of her feelings and my secrets, but since everything was out in the open, I had nothing more to lose.

My story was a sad enough tale as it is, - my father was killed by a white police officer, I didn't need to be harassed by a white man either who may as well have been that police officer's kid for all I knew.

It's an abominable tragedy, really, to walk around with a constant recollection of your father's last few moments and a vivid picture of his haunted eyes after the bullet took accommodation in his skull. Its something I've had to live with, playing on a loop, for almost ten years. Suffice to say, it's made me a haunted man and fueled my fire, - my engrained need for revenge.

I am beyond redemption. I would have ended it all for myself a long time ago, but then that would mean that my father's death had been in vain, and I would have disappointed him. I had one will to live for, not my own, but that of my father. I needed to see his dreams come to fruition. His dreams became my dreams, his trials my own, and in some sense, his death became the death of me.

Gone was the carefree young boy, and born was a man on a mission. I was tied to the destiny of my fellow country men by that fatal bullet, and I was determined to do everything in my power to pave a way for us to live happily, - to live freely.

I lived to see my worst nightmare come true. My father was my inspiration and my light. When he died, my world became dark, - so dark, and this darkness was not just a state of mind. It was all consuming, requiring every fiber of my being to be filled to the brink with rage and unprecedented energy, always ready to attack and be on the offensive.

Unfortunately, being my father's son, meant I was born to a woman with a big heart. It's unfortunate because I can't be selfish and do what I think is best, which may very well be my second death.

No, I have to be selfless for her. She did everything for me after he was gone. I'd been suffering from an interchange of guilt and horror. Horror because of what I watched, and guilt because someone fucking died because of me. But my mother had been the lighthouse in my storm, always keeping me grounded and bringing me home safely.

After the funeral, she listened to the plans that I had to make things right. She arranged the meeting with nogogo Joyce and Patience, as well as spoke to them on my behalf about wanting to take Lerato as a wife when she became of age. I was going to make things right.

I had to make things right.

I was eighteen and fully capable of working for an income. I was going to replace the income lost by the death of Patience's husband. I was going to do all of that whilst plotting my revenge. When Patience denied my offer and figuratively spat in my face, she made me feel so useless, so incompetent and so reproachable. Hell, even now, being in her presence made me feel like a disease, she clearly didn't like me.