Swirl

11. A World Without.

Achim.

Translations:
Liefde: love (Afrikaans)
Sawubona: a greeting of sorts (Zulu)
Ja: Yes (Afrikaans)

Halfway through the semester, Achim had slowly become accustomed to living with the dull ache within the chambers of his heart that demanded its presence be felt every time he took a breath. He had just lost his best friend (with apparent benefits) for the second and, most likely, final time.

He consoled himself with the fact that this time he wasn't left in suspense; he knew fully well what was happening, - but that didn't make the situation any easier. If anything, it made him feel worse because as time went by on campus, he realized more and more that he actually would have liked her to be more than just a friend.

In the early stages following their separation, he had convinced himself that she was just a fantasy; that he was just infatuated with the idea of her.

As the semester dragged, however, and his 'girlfriend', Chloe's presence grew irritating so much so that he couldn't bear to be around her, he began to accept that he was with the wrong person.

Before you ostracize him, believe me, he knew.

He knew that it was beyond selfish of him to keep stringing her along, when he no longer enjoyed her company, but he was finding it increasingly difficult to break things off with her. She would obviously get hurt and demand a reason, and what would he say to that? 'Oh, I never loved you and I never will because I'm in love with my childhood best friend?'

Chloe didn't know much about Lerato, aside from the fact that she existed in Achim's pubescent years and grew distant. She knew nothing more and she had on multiple occasions questioned how and why Achim had willingly been friends with the daughter of a maid.

The rich kid in her, is how he always excused her opinion.

During the last weekend that he spent home, he had everything he wanted in a woman right in front of him, - beauty, intelligence, humility, ambition, confidence and wit, - but he could never have her. No matter how much he wanted her.

Or maybe, I'm not fighting hard enough? I should have tried harder to convince her that I could be the one she needs.

I can be her warrior, her fighter, her shield, and above all her lover and best friend.

Fighting isn't necessarily my forte, but I would fight for her.

These were the thoughts that had clouded his mind more often than not, especially during those lone nights in his dorm room, when all he had were the company of his books. Sometimes, even as he cuddled with Chloe, and she whispered sweet nothings to him, this was all he could think about.

Oh, and by the way, he finally slept with her.

But for all the wrong reasons.

You see, when he had been trying to fight the fact that he actually wanted Lerato to be his, he thought he could distract himself from those haunting thoughts by burying himself inches deep within someone else.

That's all it had been to him, - a distraction. And of course, she felt differently. She fell harder, thinking this was him finally loving her.

He felt like shit about it. Especially when he couldn't look her in the eye as they did the horizontal tango. He always shut his eyes tightly and envisioned Lerato beneath him, but he always knew the difference; Chloe didn't feel right to touch, right to hold... Or right to love. Once, he almost called her name out as he released.