Broken (Brown Eyed Boy book 2)

Helpful (Jared POV)

When I finally got out of rehab, I had realized all of the mistakes I made in the year before and I hated myself for them. I pushed my parents away because they were fawning over my sick brother and treating him like time was precious, which it had been, and the whole time I had acted like a spoiled brat that was mad a younger sibling had been brought home. I pushed my brother away because he was sick and dying and I didn't want him to be the one to leave me so it was easier to cut him off early on. It wasn't until he died that I realized how completely wrong I was about that. And then I pushed Jessie away because I knew it was only a matter of time before she would leave me too and I couldn't take the fact that even then, she managed to still care about me.

            While I was in rehab, all of these stupid mistakes I had made seemed to suddenly surface for what felt like the first time in mind and I was in shock that I thought I had ever dealt with it properly. All I could think of was how Dylan was dead and there was no way I could apologize to him and be there when he needed me. For all I knew, my big brother died thinking I hated him when really I was just afraid of being left alone when he was gone. My parents accepted me back home when I got out, which was surprising enough for me, and over time the started to slowly trust me again. They checked my room regularly for alcohol, which I couldn't blame them for really, and rarely let me drive at first but at least it was better than the unsure stares I had received whenever I walked into a room. By the time I had gained more trust, the only ones left for me to make peace with were Jessie and Carlos. Carlos wasn't likely to forgive me considering I almost ran down his sister and ended up getting his best friend instead but I would at least try. And Jessie...well I had to hold out hope that she still had that soft spot for me somewhere inside of her. So when she first emailed me a week ago, I took it as a good sign.

            I wasn't expecting her to tell me she had recently lost her memory but part of my mind told me that it was a blessing in disguise somehow. She wouldn't remember I had done anything horrible to her and so she wouldn't have anything to forgive me for so we could be friends again. But then she said she wanted me to help her regain some of her memory and I knew I had to tell her everything; including all the bad I had done. It was the least I could do for her after everything. And when I picked her up at her house this morning and saw that uncertain smile on her face, I knew I definitely had to do it. Somehow I knew that someone must have mentioned that we weren't close as we used to be and I didn't want to make her more confused than she obviously already was.

            For lack of a better place to take her, I drove us to the football field outside of our old high school and we sat on the bleachers. “So, is there anything particular you want to know about?” I asked, before realizing how dumb a question that was. How was she supposed to answer that when she couldn't remember anything at all? Idiot. “I'm sorry, that was dumb. Maybe I should be asking you what the last thing you really remember is.”

            “I remember being with you,” she answered quietly, not meeting my eyes. “But everything after that is a complete blank. I don't remember my last year and a half of high school, I don't remember starting college, I don't remember C-”

            “Carlos?” I finished when she suddenly stopped herself and took a deep breath, trying not to let the tears fall. She nodded and I tried not to show my surprise. Of everything in her life, I was sure she would have remembered Carlos. The guy was literally like her knight in shining armor. “So you want me to tell you about everything that happened from the last time we were together until now?”

            “Everything that you can,” she shrugged slightly. “I know you weren't there for a lot of stuff according to my mom and Carlos too but I want to know what you can tell me.” Jessie paused and finally looked at me. “I want to know why you suddenly weren't there.”

            I looked out at the field, not really wanting to look at her as I told her everything I was happy that she had forgotten. But as much as I hated to tell her, I knew it was all important to her for her to remember so I didn't stop until I said everything that I knew about. I told her about how I turned to alcohol when my family found out Dylan got sick and how I slowly pushed her away when he got worse until I finally broke up with her. I told her about how even after I had broken up with her I continued to pick on her and make her life miserable because I didn't feel it was fair that only my life sucked.

            When I got to the part where Carlos came in, that jealous part of me didn't want to tell her about him. I didn't want to tell her I could see from the beginning just how much he cared about her. I didn't want to tell her about how he was there for her when I wasn't. But I knew she needed to know and the more rational part of me knew saw this as my opportunity to make things up to him. If I told Jessie the truth about Carlos, he couldn't really hate me for it. So I told her about how he started school and from the very first day, he had her back more than I ever had our entire lives. I told her how we got in a fight over her and the reason he stopped was because she asked him to. I told her about how everyone but her seemed to notice that he had feelings for her and that when they finally had a date, I sabotaged it by getting Carlos hurt in a football game. Then I told her about how after Dylan died I took my drinking too far and was driving my car down the street, literally only seconds away from hitting Carlos' little sister before Jessie pushed her out of the way and instead I hit her. I told her I went to jail but she dropped the charges and when I came to ask her, her and Carlos were finally together. And then I told her how I took her advice and went to rehab for months until they said I was free to go and how ever since then I have been trying to make up for things that I know I never could. “That's the reason I haven't been around like you were told,” I finished. “And that's all I can really tell you about.”          

            When I looked back at Jessie her face was twisted into a look of concentration and I could tell she was trying to remember anything I had just said to her. She was so lost looking in her own head that she didn't realize I had stopped talking for a few minutes. When she finally did, she looked at me again. “I...I think I remember some of that,” she said slowly.

            “Which parts?” I asked, hoping it was only the good things. I would rather her remember Carlos again then her remembering all the bad I had done to her.

            “Getting hit by the car,” she said deadpan. I swallowed hard, feeling the guilt again as I saw an echo of pain in her eyes. “I remember the pain when it hit me and then when I hit the floor before I passed out. And I remember waking up in a hospital bed with a cast on my arm...and Carlos crying next to me. He was saying something to me before that I guess but I don't remember that part.”

            “What else?” I asked.

            “I think I remember the fight too,” she said slowly. “Did you punch him below his eye?”

            “I don't remember,” I answered, laughing a hard sound. “I mean, I probably did but it was so fast I don't really know. That's something you would have to ask Carlos I guess.”

            “I guess so,” Jessie said quietly and looked away.

            “Do you remember anything else?” I asked her, desperate to know just how much I managed to help her by putting myself on her bad side again.

            “Not exactly, no,” she said distractedly, making me think that she did and just didn't want to say anything to me. “I think I'm ready to go home now though.”

            I nodded stiffly, feeling somewhere between happy for her and sad for myself. “Yeah, okay,” I said. “I'll take you home.” We started to stand and walk down the bleachers when Jessie pulled on my arm to stop me.

            “Thank you for telling me,” she smiled. “I know how much you probably didn't want to tell me but it means a lot to me to know that you did anyway. It was helpful.”

            “I figured I owed you and Carlos,” I shrugged indifferently. “It was the least I could do.”

            “Well, no matter the reason, I'm grateful,” Jessie said. “And I'm glad I asked you.” I smiled back at her, happy to know she didn't exactly hate me like I thought and that somehow in all the messed up things I'd done I had managed to do something good for her.