Olly, Olly

Epilogue

Sitting by his bedside waiting through all the hospital visits and hoping that, that day— would be the day he would miraculously come out of the coma. I found it unbearable to go through the days, he laid there with no reaction, seeing his parents mourn over him was heartbreaking. Watching his six foot two father break down at his bedside like an innocent child who couldn't grasp why things were happening the way they were. As time went by, I would notice that he was withering away little by little on that bed. Ollie's mom, on the other hand, was holding it together. Yes, she mourned for her son, but she prayed harder and showed gratitude for the time she had with him. It was comforting to see that even with the possibility of the worst outcome that he might not make it, she held on to hope. Hope in God. She would pray and comfort others including me when we should have been the one's comforting her, after all, it was her child that laid in that bed, who was slipping away with every minute that escaped.

Her words brought a stillness to my heart, pausing briefly the sadness that had engulfed me. I had walked out of his room, as I was trying to escape the sadness that surrounded Ollie, as he laid there unconscious.

"He's in Gods hands!" She said, as she sat by my side placing her arms around me, as I sat in the waiting room grasping for a breath of air and as my tears collected on the floor. There were brief moments, I was able to catch my breath as I opened my eyes and watched as each tear touch down with such force that I was able to see it break immediately on impact. We were all waiting for the doctors to tell us what the outcome would be. Her words brought forth a warmth of love that was sunken by the anger I had felt. Anger that our time together was cut down in its tracks. Anger as my mind rushed in thoughts of what would have been. I Felt cheated for myself, but especially for him. He gave up the ultimate sacrifice— his life, to serve and protect us here at home. He stood for all things beautiful in this country as did the men and women before him as did those who fought alongside him in battle. I couldn't help feeling that it was all for nothing. Suddenly his words of guilt reran through my mind as they lingered, they grew heavier. His constant struggle with returning home, leaving while fellow soldiers were still left to fight overseas, waiting for the day they to could reunite with their families. What awaited them as they returned? As they were met with the unraveling of shortcomings of their built up expectations. Sure, their families would be thankful their loved ones were home as were the Cartagena's at Ollie's return. With their hopes and expectations met that they were returned in 'one complete piece.' With a large majority failing to understand that, 'one complete piece,' was not equivalent to the actual 'peace,' they lack at their return. Soldiers unable to shed the memories, the wonderings, and the commitment they made, as if it was as easy, as hitting the 'stop' button on life. Even as far as praying for the 'pause' button, when its stuck on 'rewind.' Knowing they give up everything to protect us and we fail to protect them as they come home.

Ollie was one of the lucky ones who did have family and friends that loved him and awaited his return. He had once told me that he had met a number of soldiers who enlist as an option for comradely. As he told me about these people he met, that had gone into service without peace of mind; my heart went out to them with every word he used to describe them and their lives. My mind was suddenly overtaken and my heart began to chip away with the thought they'd make it back home soon, realizing that they would return to nothing. No home, no family and no friends. The realization numbed me in an instant. How do they cope? Many soldiers have the love and support as they returned home as Ollie did, and they still don't make it. How would those with nothing to come home to, even have a chance? Return to what? That has stuck with me till this day and would forever.

The doctor finally came and gave us the news, as we all sat around Ollie's bed. The ones that were outside the room in the waiting room followed him in. The room was filled with the Cartagena family, including Abuela Cartegena, Jeremy, Chris and Lily pulled in Nate, who has been waiting in the waiting room for days. He'd leave on occasion but only to shower but always came straight back. Jackson even sent over some flowers. Nate said, Jackson wanted to come by but didn't want to be in the way. Dax comes by twice a day and stays for long periods of time. He talks to Ollie as if he was awake, hoping he would respond back. He tries really hard to hold back his tears but when they do escape he wipes away at them quickly.

The doctor held a clipboard in his hands which he stared into, before closing it and allowing it to fall to his side as he gripped it. He looked around the room and spoke, "I'm sorry— but should I only be speaking to the immediate family?"

Mr. Cartagena answered, "everyone in this room is family!"

The doctors head shook up and down slightly and began to speak again, "Well then— I'm sorry, but," he paused— took a profound breath and release his words that grew softer with every word. "Oliver had been without air for too long and we have done everything we can."

Amy immediately broke down after his words, right into Jeremy's arms who held her tight. The doctor waited a second before he continued with, "It's been four days and he's been unresponsive. The lack of air caused permit brain damage and his organs started to fail, resulting in the coma state he is in and it's all up to him now. Right now, the machines are breathing for him." He then continued with the hospital procedure of giving the family the choice of hospice and the other choice of disconnecting the machine that was breathing for him since he had arrived at the hospital. Tears ran as everyone started to crumble. The doctor went to leave with his last words that he passed on to Lily's husband and Nate who were closest to the door and were the only ones who kept their composures at this moment. "Should anyone have any questions or when everyone makes their decision just have the nurse page me." He turned back at the room and apologized again and with that, he left the room. Nate followed behind him.

After every one somewhat regained their composures they started to walk out one by one to get air. I was able to lay next to him as I insured his parents it was okay for them to leave the room as they needed to take a break and get some air themselves. They were worried about leaving his side but also knew he would have wanted to be alone with me and I with him. I promised them I would not leave his side.

I laid my head on his chest and I could feel as the machines forced air in and out of his lungs, something that is supposed to be easy and normal is now being forced. I began to speak to him.

"I know you can still hear me— I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I wasn't able to help you. My tears ran again as I felt his skin cold and tried to breathe his scent in again but quickly noticed it wasn't there. "I'm stupidly head over heels in love with you," I whispered, and "always have been. Every fiber within me wants to be selfish— and wants you to stay, but, you don't have to be strong anymore. It's okay to rest now." I kissed him on the lips.

I laid next to him most of the night. His parents stayed overnight as well. No one even got the chance to consider the hospital's options because everyone quickly agreed they should take the night before the conversation would be brought to the table for discussion.

Ollie died early morning, his heart gave out. His mother, father and I were at his side when he passed.

Ollie is still with me to this day. His memory, our awkward childhood memories that we finally ended up filling the gaps in for each other. No one could replace him in our lives; in my life. I knew I would always love him, as I had since we were kids, even with us hiding our feelings, we both always knew. I appreciate that we actually had the chance to explore the love we shared, no matter how short our time played out. He was special to me and to many people. He was forever etched in my heart, and Nate knows this to be true to this day and accepts this with ease. Nate revealed to me, that Oliver had shared with him that one day in the parking lot when I first saw him, that he was contemplating on taking his life. It makes things easier to know that, that day, the walk with me, gave him more time. That I was able to give him at least a reason for more time.

I can truly say I have been blessed to have experienced such great love, to love him deeply and been immensely loved by him in return. I'm blessed to be loved by not one great man but two— and I had been given the chance to love them both.

So being here at church in this moment, I'm still feeling somewhat alienated and all, but at peace. I would not want to be anywhere else right now. 'He saved me,' I thought, as I secretively placed my hand over my stomach, soon to be growing belly. An uncontrollably big smile took form on my face with the grasp of realizing that it wasn't for nothing. My child would grow in a better world because of that sacrifice that millions of brave men and women like Oliver make every day. At this moment the immensity of Ollie's unconditional love for me— grew unto my child.