What goes up must come down

Part 5

Stiles POV

No matter how hard I try, I don't actually think I can find it in me to hate them. 

Despite what my mind tells me they are my family, in my heart they are. It's hard but I've got to remember that it is my life and I am the only one that gets to take charge of it. It really isn't all that easy though, and sometimes if not most times that's the last thing on my mind. 

I admire driving in silence, but of course that silence has to be broken. As per usual. 

I feel a sudden, unwanted, presence beside me. A feeling creeping up my skin and running the hairs of my skin into the air. I am not shocked because I've gotten used to it by now. Though I'd be lying if I didn't check. I'd be setting myself up for failure or death if I didn't. As soon as I had felt the feeling of my hairs starting to stand I shoot a look over to the side of me. A quick second and barely a glance needed was all I needed. The hairs that started to rise fell quicker than they had risen. 

It's Derek.

I'd say something along the lines of 'you'd think I'd know the feeling of his presence by now' and the fact is, I do. I look back at the road. I'd know his presence probably better than anyone, but he still gives me chills. However that doesn't mean I always know its him. I usually do, but it's been a while and I've been on edge. 

 "What do you want" I ask and he huffs "Don't huff at me, you're the one if my car. If you don't have anything to say then get out" I snarked.

 He growls lowly, more of a grumble, more of a complaint than a threat. Really a whine if it had gotten even a bit more desperate. 

 "You haven't called, texted, or even talked to the pack for four weeks stiles." He said.

I groan,  scrunching my face up for a second.

 "Look Derek, you of all people know that I need this time to myself." I say, "I told you, all of you, that I need to be alone. I have my doubts. And I can't shake this feeling that I don't belong with you-" I pause 

"Well- that I don't belong with the group you know? That I'm not pack, I don't think I ever really was. And as much as you may not want to admit it either you probably think the same, just as much as you know you aren't my alpha. You know it. So please save it, I don't want to hear that 'I'm pack' or ' We all care for you'. I'm sure you may disagree, and the pack might as well. But those are my doubts and I've always felt on the out. I am sorry, Derek. I can't do it anymore, not right now" 

I was already upset this morning and I didn't need this conversation. It was silent. I glanced over to see if he had left but he was still sitting there. I sigh then hear him leave the Jeep.

I scoff to myself. I don't know where I am going but I just need to drive around.

I needed to get out the house, which was helping me until I just trauma dumped on Derek. He didn't deserve it, but he deserves a lot of things, like love, happiness, etc. The whole pack deserves better. I drive around aimlessly, no destination in mind. I stay out for a little more before heading back to my house. Before that, I go visit my mom. It's difficult...everything. My life, and my feelings. If it wasn't for myself then I wouldn't be in this anyhow. I'm just a bit bitter nowadays.

 I think everything that's been going on with me is just pent up emotions. College has already been stressing me out. I'm just happy I'm on break. 

I get out my car and walk to moms grave. I sit down in the dirt and grass crossing my legs.

At first I sat in silence pondering, then I decided it would be better if I just got what I was feeling out.

 "I miss you." I say, my voice already wavering as the hairs on my face stand. Suddenly I feel so cold.

"I'm..having problems. I also don't really know how to solve them. Except sometimes I feel I do know how to solve them and that I'm just refusing to let myself. If you were still here, I know you would've helped me. You must be so disappointed with me, I am so sorry. I'm trying my best. But it isn't good enough." 

I stay silent for a moment, looking down at the ground. 

"I am trying so hard. I know I have other problems but this might be the worst. If I don't control it, I might wind up seeing you sooner then we both planned." I whisper..

 My eyes were closed as tears trickled down my face.

"I keep plaguing myself with the same thoughts." I sob

After a moment's pause, filled with silence and sobs- breathing through my mouth harshly as I try to cry silently. 

 "Why did I hate myself?" I say pitfully

And just what will the world think once they find out the truth about the supernatural?

Not that any of those questions matter. It's embarrassing how melodramatic I'm being right now but we all deserve to live a soap opera in private every now and then.

I open my eyes and rub off the water that had fallen from them. I stand and brush myself off. 

After regaining myself I take a deep breath and I lay a hand on top of her grave stone, 

"Nice seeing you again mom" I said, my voice weak and clouded

 I walked back to the car and drove off to my house. Once I get there it's almost like a repeated action, I take a shower and stare at the ceiling before crying myself to sleep. There's honestly worst ways to end up falling asleep.