Warning: this story contains dark theme about depression, sex, violence, and language that may trigger emotional trauma to people who experienced the same. Read at your own risk.
Beauty is a gift from God, or so they say. Bethany Chaleir De Vera lea...
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Nine: Crack and Flaws
I realized how easy it was for me to judge Art just because of the mask he was wearing. It was easy for me to conclude that he wasn't going through something, that he was innocent about life's bullshit, and it was all because that was what he's showing me, that he's okay—happy even.
Yet, behind that smile, hides the pain.
Everyone is battling their own demons. Not everyone just talks about it. Not everyone can.
"We've been together since high school," he continued. "Okay naman nung una, pero nung college, nastroke ang daddy niya. If anything, she was studious and ambitious. She wanted to be a doctor and I was willing to support her in any way," muli siyang uminom ng beer at inubos iyon. "But she had to drop out because her family can no longer afford her tuition. That was her greatest frustration. She and I worked in odd jobs, until we just broke up because she was falling apart. Nakipagbalikan ako sa kan'ya, sinubukan muli namin, pero nagbago na siya. Turns out she has resorted to self-degrading jobs just to survive. She, uh... She sold her body when we weren't together. Until she just... snapped. Just like that."
"I'm sorry," was all I could offer.
"Ayun," he smiled a little, yet pain was still in his eyes. "Sinabi niya 'yun sa 'kin eh. Sinabi niyang may sakit siya, pero hindi ko binigyang pansin. Noon, para sa 'kin, nasa utak lang ang kalungkutan niya, na malalagpasan niya rin 'yun, na kapag kumapit siya sa 'kin, matatapos din ang phase na iyon ng buhay niya. She tried reaching out to me, but I failed to reach out to her. I invalidated and belittled her feelings, telling her that it was just a phase. 'Yon pala, totoo pala ang depresyon, na hindi iyon phase lang ng buhay. Just because we don't see the physical symptoms doesn't mean it's not there. It's as real as cancer. Took me the loss of my first love to see that."
Agad akong tumabi sa kan'ya, baka sakaling ang presensya ko ay magpapagaan ng loob niya.
"Minsan naiisip ko... if only I educated myself about it earlier, this wouldn't have happened. It only takes one google search to save her, but I didn't," suminghap siya. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at pinagsalikop ang aming mga daliri. "I took the blame, and this tattoo, is my way of remembering her. Kahit man lang sana rito, mabuhay ang mga alaala niya, at ang pagsisisi ko sa pagkawala niya."
"It wasn't your fault, Art. People who end their lives, it was their choice. Maybe they feel like that was the only star in the darkness," I looked up at the stars, lump was forming on my throat. "And we can't blame them, neither can we blame ourselves. Maybe they feel like everyone hates them, and that they're a burden. To them, suicide is not selfish. When someone is at that point of their lives, they truly believe they're doing the world a favor by no longer existing. They feel like this world is a little less toxic without them, and that's their choice. We can help by reaching out, yes, especially that reaching out for them is an impossible deed, but at the end of the day, it's still their choice."
