How We Unravel

Eleven

Eleven: Redemption

Hindi nawala sa utak ko ang bigong mga mata ni Art nang tuluyan akong umalis. He has been nothing but good to me, but I am torn between believing and doubting.

Most of the betrayals I experienced were from the good people in my life, and that's what makes it harder, because I believed in them. I believed that my dad loves me enough not to leave me, I believed that my friend cares for me enough not to kiss me on my sleep, I believed that my best friend believed in me, too, when I told her that her boyfriend sexually assaulted me, I believed that they were indeed good people.

And where did that leave me?

Here. Alone. With voices in my head and expired pills on my bed.

After all, deception isn't deception when they didn't clothe themselves in white and spray themselves in sweet.

Yet, if Art turns out to be otherwise, if his intents are pure, then I wouldn't have the heart to accept him in my life knowing that I am too broken and empty. I strayed away from people because I know how toxic I am to them. I could never put anyone in a situation wherein they wish nothing but my healing and I cause nothing but pain.

I wanted the pain to end in me. I don't want to share it with anyone.

Art deserves better, and trying to be that better person is a lost case even before the battle began. It was hard in itself when your mind keeps going in circle, obstructing every progress.

And me? I am better off alone. This world is a lot better if I weren't in it. I am a waste of space and oxygen.

Pero lumipas ang buong linggo at naroon pa rin siya sa lobby... waiting. Just waiting. Kahit hindi ko siya pinapansin ay hindi siya napagod na pumunta roon.

Every day, his appearance was getting better. His clothes were well-pressed, the roses even increase in number, and he has learned to style his hair.

"Asan na 'yung boyfriend mo?" Tanong ni Juliana nang makita niya akong nagliligpit ng gamit. "Uy, Friday ngayon ha. 'Yung promise mo, sasama ka mag-bar hopping!"

"Hindi ko siya boyfriend," I clarified.

"Ay gan'on," ngumuso siya. "Cute pa naman niya. Ano lang pala?"

"Wala," hinarap ko siya. "Saan ba tayo pupunta ngayon?"

"D'yan lang," she said and grabbed her press-powder, pouting at herself in the mirror. "Ready ka na ba?"

She eyed me from head-to-toe. "Yan na suot mo?"

I looked at my black body-hugging dress and a black coat.

"Para kang aattend ng burol," she commented.

Right. I've decided to wear black ever since to pay respect to my own burial. Funny how I resorted to petty shit like this.

"Pero blooming ka recently. Nangingiti ka na. Bagay sa 'yo," she winked at me.

Muli akong napangiti. To be completely honest, I'm actually looking forward to that day, to the day where my soul can finally be at peace, to the day where loneliness and emptiness would no longer resonate in my flesh and bones, to the day where my soul would be completely free.