To Know Pain is To Know Love

Chapter 8

Something was up, Karkat decided. Something was most definitely up. Ever since he’d woken up this morning, Sollux had been acting way fucking different. There were no snarky comments, no attempts to cover his lisp, and weirdest of all, no direct eye contact. At all. Not to mention the fact that he, Sollux, lazy fuckhead, had been awake before him.

Karkat huffed from his position on the couch, watching Sollux die for the hundredth goddamn time on Call of Duty. Also a sign something was fucking up. It could’ve been the crying from last night, but the handful of times his best friend had cried on him in the past hadn’t involved all this bullshit!! “Sollux!!” he finally shouted, sick of waiting for some sign of just what the hell was wrong.

The older adolescent jumped violently, the controller making a swift and sudden journey across the room. “Chritht KK!!”

Karkat blinked. “Alright, what the fuck,” he stated, “you never pay attention to my yelling when you’re playing video games. Why are you acting so goddamn weird??”

Sollux glanced up at him with a scowl and opened his mouth to snap back, only for his expression to quickly morph into an embarrassed flush at Karkat’s expectant look. “I- uh- Shit- bathroom.” He stuttered out, jumping to his feet and nearly tripping in his haste to leave the room.

Karkat stared after him, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. What the fuck?? Karkat pursed his lips and glared at the ceiling as if it had the answers hidden in it. Had he done something to upset him? Was Sollux angry? Did he finally get sick of him want to leave? The small troll blanched and sat up with a start as the last question manifested in his head. He knew that his friend would leave eventually to get on with his life but.. Karkat sighed heavily and sat up, dropping his head into his palms. But nothing. He couldn’t keep Sollux here forever.

The black-haired adolescent stood from the couch, and took a hesitant step towards the hallway, before his stomach dropped and his eyes suddenly stung fiercely. Alone. He would be alone again. And Sollux would be gone, and happy with someone else. Karkat felt his heart constrict in his chest, and he slumped back onto the couch, shuddering as a feeling similar to being dunked in ice water encompassed him. No, he didn’t like that at all. But did it really matter what he liked? Did it matter that he loved Sollux? No, it didn’t, Karkat realized. Because, as evidenced by the major fuck-up of a relationship he had caused, Karkat knew that entering a relationship with his best friend would only end in him screwing it up again.

A half-sob, half-sigh escaped him, and Karkat allowed the tears to fall freely. His heart throbbed, and his breath caught in his throat as the enormity of the loneliness and despair finally dropped onto him. He would be alone again with nooneelse. Every fiber of his being demanded that he stay there on that couch, that he just continue to let Sollux be uncomfortable if it meant he stayed. ‘How utterly fucking selfish..’ he thought bitterly.

“Pathetic..” he muttered quietly, forcing his feelings back into a small corner of his mind.

Karkat stood again and roughly rubbed away the tears on his face with a sweater sleeve. He still had a little time left with Sollux, and he’d be damned if he spent it blubbering like some pathetic mope. A sardonic grin graced his features and he shook his head lightly. “Might as well give the fucker a going away present, yeah?” he posed to no one in particular.

*                          * *

“Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot…” Sollux repeatedly in a droll tone, in tandem with the light banging of his head on the grey wall of the bathroom.

Why couldn’t he just act normal, he thought to himself sourly. It’s not like he wanted to be a weird, nervous-ass wreck in front of Karkat, but it seemed like his brain had other ideas. Everytime Sollux so much as looked at his the object of his affections, his traitorous thoughts dredged up the whispered words of the night before, and his head got disgustingly mushy and his heart sped up, and he couldn’t stop the goddamn blush that flooded his face.