Lams stuff

Chapt. 7 Out

A/N: thanks to my boi Ariel for taking the time out of her day to help me write this! This chapter would've been nowhere without her <3
Warning: includes mention of homophobia and alcohol
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I sat alone at the bar. I had come with the other revolutionaries, wanting a pint or two myself, but just ended up sitting alone. I watched the group sit at a table, laughing and yelling happily, as they guzzled down their beer. I sipped at my own glass and wondered why I was not sitting at their table...why I was not enjoying myself, for we had recently won a battle. It was why us revolutionaries were in here in the first place. We were celebrating. No..they were celebrating.
I looked nothing like my fellow men...if anything, I didn't even look like I knew them. I saw my companion in war, Tilghman stand up and raise his glass above himself, making a toast. "One step closer to freedom!" The men cheered and lifted their glasses as well. I, despite sitting away from their table, halfheartedly took a sip from my beer, sighing to myself. No matter how free, how independent these men will be in the future, I won't have the pleasure of exercising it as well. Instead, I will just have to sit and watch as everyone joyfully lives their life as a free American. It's painful to think about what I have done to myself, what I have become.
Of all the things I could have chosen to be...I chose to be a sodomite. A sodomite! Something that makes me virtually incapable of love. No one will love me. No one has. I left Martha heart broken and alone. Francis left me because I didn't satisfy his needs. Father is disappointed in me. My own daughter probably doesn't even love me. I hope she won't end up like her father, falling for someone of the same sex.
I looked up from my beer just in time to see Alexander enter the bar—he was always late for these events, having to finish his writing before anything else. I looked back into my now half empty glass. I had expected Alexander to join everyone else at the table and celebrate, but of course, I was wrong. I tried not to look at him as he made his way to my table. Alexander sat in the seat across from me, I perused my lips and tried to look away, but his freckled face was almost like a magnet. I gave up and looked back at him. As much as I hate to admit it, he is stunning. Alexander's eyes were akin to the night sky, midnight blue with a purple sheen to them. His hair—a fiery shade of auburn—was tied into a loose queue with a ribbon who's color matched his eyes.
"He—Laurens...what's wrong? You look..." Alexander paused, looking for the right word, "pained." I snapped out of my thoughts and looked into his eyes. I pondered on what to say. On one hand, I needed someone to talk to. But on the other, if Alexander didn't return my feelings, the consequences would be disastrous. I'd be brutally tortured and executed. My legacy I have been trying to build would be thrown away and the few people that didn't already loathe me, would.
"It's...private." I said after a while, looking down at the table top. Alexander gave me a concerned look and pursed his lips in thought. "If you wish to tell me, I know of a place where we will not be heard."  I looked up at him, "...That would be nice..." Alexander and I stood up and I followed him out of the bar. I wondered what I was getting myself into. He led me into a nearby woods. I watched Alexander's delicate frame as he wove his way through the tightly knit trees. We stopped at a clearing. Alexander sat on a large tree stump, moving over to the side to give me place to sit.
"So." Alexander said, "What is it to you want to tell me?" I opened my mouth but nothing come out. I looked down at my lap, wondering what to say. One part of me hoped, knew that he might except me. He had always flirted with me a lot more than he did anyone else...even the women of the town.
I took a deep breath. "Do not tell anyone about this but...I...have trouble falling for...the opposite sex..." Alexander looked at me, his eyes were wide and...hopeful? Alexander pulled himself together and stuttered "W-Well..surely you just haven't found the right woman yet...you are exceptionally attractive and there are quite a few women who are as well. At least one of them might fall for you...and you, them.." Alexander was looking sadly at the ground as he trailed off glumly. I felt my blood run cold. It seemed as though he might have understood me...but what if I was just lying to myself, blinded by hope? Nevertheless, I had already gone too deep. Something in me needed to keep going.
"N-No...you don't understand! I don't...I mean-I don't find them the least bit attractive." I felt my voice break but I kept going. "But I am attracted to..." I paused looking for the right word. "...well not the opposite sex instead...the same..." I couldn't bare to look Alexander in the eyes after a cold wave of realization crashed over me, so forceful that I almost fell off of the tree stump Alexander and I were sitting at. I felt an oddly cold sensation was bubbling inside my skin, making my hot cheeks feel like they were searing.
But the worst thing about it was that I couldn't take back what I said. All I could do was hope for the best and try to ignore the fat tear rolling down my cheek.
"Me too."
I looked up to face Alexander. "Wh-What?"
"I am—how did you say it—attracted to the same sex."
I could feel my heart beating extremely fast. This cannot possibly be real...it must be a dream..
"Really?" I asked, looked wide eyed at Alexander, who was smiling sadly. "Yes, but...I'm a bit...different, I guess you could call it." Alexander seemed to be struggling to keep his composure now. He was trembling a bit and I could see his eyes tearing up as well.
"Different? What do you mean different? You're just like me...right?"
He shrugged, "Not necessarily." I waited for him to go on, but Alexnder stayed silent. Alexander shielded his face from me with his hand. I took the hint that he didn't want to elaborate, but I still wanted to keep talking. "Alexander...the last thing I want is for us to get in trouble with the law but." I began awkwardly, "...when I said I was attracted to the same sex-" Alexander's breath hitched. He was listening. "....I mean I was, well also attracted to you." I had to force the words out of my mouth and I really wish I hadn't. I felt almost the same way I felt when I confessed my first sin to Alexnder, but this time...it wasn't as bad, watered down, even. I just hoped Alexander felt the some way as well. I could only hope.
I swear I saw Alexander's familiar smile behind his hand. It was akin to the morning sun—bright, hopeful, real. My face still felt warm, but this time, I felt as though I was simply looking up at the bright blue sky back in CharlesTown and letting my face bask on the sun's hot rays.
Alexander warped his arms around my waist in a warm embrace and buried his face in the crook of my neck. I felt what I assumed were tears wet my cravat but said nothing. Alexander lifted his face a bit and breathed in my ear, "I love you too!" I wrapped my arms around Alexander as well and gazed into his glassy but joyful eyes. His face was getting closer and closer to mine. My breath hitched and my eyes widened as Alexander's eyes closed, his lips slowly puckering. Normally, I would have backed away or declined the offer for the sake of my legacy, but now I did not care about what others thought of me. I did not care about the sin Alexnder and I were about to commit. All I cared about was how blissful I felt when the gap between our lips disappeared. I closed my eyes and kissed back, holding Alexander tighter. Alexander cupped my face in his hands, I leaned into them. A gentle wave of calm always seamed to wash over me when Alexnder was around. Our lips slowly parted, Alexander's midnight blue eyes fluttered open. He looked up at me through his feminine-like eyelashes.
I smiled meekly and brushed a strand of auburn out of Alexander's face.
"Shall we head back? I dare say the General won't be amused if we come back too late.", Alexander pondered, looking up at the now darkening sky. The last light of day. I breathed my response, "Yes, yes of course." Alexander and I walked, hand in hand out of the darkly lit forest. I led the way through the tightly knit woods, carefully stepping over and helping Alexander over the huge winding roots. Our hands departed as we stepped out of the woods, not wanting to risk others seeing us sharing such intimate interactions. Alexander and I were able to make it our room without any of the soldiers asking where we were.
Once the door to our room was safely closed and locked, I was able to steal a quick goodnight kiss form Alexander before he started writing again. I changed into my nightclothes, braided my hair, and picked up where I left off in a book I had started a while ago.

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After reading a chapter or two, I put my book down at my bedside table and listened to the steady rhythm of Alexander's scratching quill. I rolled over on my side to look at Alexander. I pondered on what we could do to make our relationship work. It will be difficult to keep such a secret...very difficult. Anyone could walk in on us when we think we are alone. Every intimate moment that we share could cost us our life, dignity, legacy...everything if we are caught.
But, through all of the hardships that we will face, all of the casualties, a small part of me knew that this was the beginning of something beautiful.
I knew it.