Grand Finale || r.r. + b.u.

six

i wonder if it's still considered day dreaming if it's more like a nightmare.

i lay here, watching the flowers take up my skin as a cough up blood. every time i look at myself, the less skin i can actually see.

i pick at the flowers, wincing a little bit every time they come out and i watch as blood fills my bathroom floor.

i'm fucking dying. i've been choking on flower petals for days now, and i wish it would all stop. i just want to be normal and human, not some fucking flower monster that has depression.

i continue pulling at the flowers, letting my vision go blurry.

the last thing i saw before i died was my bathroom ceiling.

That's the only image that haunts my mind, the fact that I could just die so easily by pulling at the flowers.  I've tried it before out of curiosity, but I've never done anything bad enough to kill me.

"hey you." brendon whispers, our fingers intertwine as he gives me a look to ask if i'm alright. i nod in reply and ignore the lingering thoughts of suicide in my head. it's not like i'd actually ever end my life, but i'd want my death to be in my control rather than the flowers that decided to appear on my skin. maybe that's fucked up, but i haven't even been able to breathe lately. i push all the thoughts to the back of my mind.

"hey." i reply, listening to that stupid little giggle of his. we sit on his bed, cuddled so close to each other you'd think we were actually attached at the hip, i could really stay like this forever. he plays with my hair and i somehow lean closer to him, resting my head on his chest.

"babe, can i tell you something?" he says quietly. i feel his hand shaking a little in my hair. my anxiety perks up just a little bit, but i know brendon well enough that he isn't going to say something completely stupid. he sounds just as scared as i am in every situation.

"anything."

"you know i'm in love with you right?" he mumbles. i almost didn't catch what he said, but i am so glad i did.

"i'm in love with you too, brendon boyd urie." i fe him smile and let out relieved laughter, wrapping his arms completely around me.

it's moments like these that make me resist the temptation of pulling all the flowers from my skin. i'm in love, that's just enough of a reason to stay alive. I've tried cutting at them before, but they just grow back, not like the way they would when you pick at them though.  You can see them grow back slowly, and it's almost satisfying.

"im dead serious when i say these past couple months with you have been the best of my entire life." i look up at him and his worried eyes, desperately wanting to kiss him.

"i could say the same." i whisper, finally closing the gap between our lips. he tastes like caramel with a hint of cigarettes, even though he promised he'd try to quit. i don't care about the cigarettes right now though, all i really care about is kissing my boyfriend.

it's nice having the word boyfriend connected to somebody that actually loves you.

brendon pulls me up so i'm on top of him completely, kissing me and running his fingers through my hair. i've never felt safer than in this moment.
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i woke up with a sleeping brendon pulled tightly to my chest. skin on skin contact has always been one of my worst fears, but i guess it just isn't anymore? i have a list of things that i'm afraid of, just so i cant force myself to get over them, checking every little experience off as i go.

i make a mental note to myself to remember every moment with brendon i can get because i'm positive i'm going to die.