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Chapter Twenty-One

Smoothing down my black, formal dress in the mirror, I adjusted the sling hanging around my neck and sighed deeply at what lay ahead. It may have been mid-morning, but the sky outside lay so heavy with rainclouds that I needed the light on in order to see properly. It was almost as though Mother Nature herself had received the memo about Ben's funeral.

Turning to the side, it struck me for the first time how different I looked from the last time I'd had this dress on. The day we said goodbye to dad.

I'd definitely grown up since then, my face less round and my hazel eyes more prominent thanks to the discovery of make-up. I'd also lost a few unintentional pounds while in hospital. The knee-length dress hung a little looser over my stomach than normal, and my smaller waist highlighted the curve between my breasts and hips that had also developed in the last couple of years.

Plus side of being in a coma, I guess.

Chastising myself for thinking such vain thoughts on a day like this, I quickly grabbed my black fur jacket and my clutch bag then headed out to the living room.

I could see the tension etched on Charlotte's face as she packed tissues into her handbag. "Ready?" she asked.

"Yep," I replied, pressing my lips together into a tight smile. Even if I was nervous, I wasn't going to let it show. I knew that there would be eyes on me today - the girl who survived - and I hadn't seen or heard from Holly since it happened.

I hadn't seen or heard from Noah, either, but he was the last person I should have been thinking about on such a day.

As we walked into the back of the church I spotted Holly's signature pink hair up at the front, no longer bright neon and styled into a bouncy bob, but washed-out and scraped loosely back into a ponytail.

Like she sensed my arrival, Holly looked directly up at me with her big doe eyes. Her face was blank and emotionless, like some part of her had died that night, too. Keeping her eyes fixed on mine, she ignored my sympathetic smile and rose up slowly from her seat to walk straight towards me.

"How dare you?" She hissed, as she stopped just a few inches in front of me. "Why the fuck are you here?"

"I... I... just wanted to come and pay my respects to Ben and his family," I stuttered, taken aback by the hatred in her voice.

"Don't you dare say his name," she spat back, her voice quiet but in no way uncertain. "He would be alive today if it wasn't for you and your stupid drama making us leave that party when we did."

I could feel tears start to prick my eyes. "Holly, I... Ben had been drinking. It was an accident, I would never have let him drive if I knew what was going to happen."

"Well you did, and it happened. If you want to show any kind of respect to Ben and his family then you'll get the fuck out of here."

I glanced at Charlotte, who moved to leave with me.

"No, I'll go if it's what Holly wants. You stay here," I managed to choke out.

"I'll come with you," Charlotte protested, her eyes lowered.

"No, Charlotte, you can stay," whispered Holly. "It's just this bitch who needs to get out. Now."

Still with her head lowered, Charlotte began to fiddle with the tassle on her handbag. "It's fine, Char," I said, shaking my head. "I'll see you back at the flat."

I managed to hold in my tears until I was just outside the church. But, once the rain started to hit my face, they came thick and fast. I cried for Ben, for Holly, for myself. I cried for this whole messed up situation that people clearly thought was my fault.