So I come back. This used to be how we managed to speak to each other in a way to talk about things we couldn't in person. And well, I'm fighting my own faith. The reason I believe in God is that I fear of dying and being put in hell for an eternity. Hearing about it being painful and living in agony forever scares me more than anything. I want to try and get you involved with church more because it scares me to think about you being there forever in pain. Just seeing you sick worries me and makes me feel so much sorrow. I dont know how I could be happy knowing you are in eternal damnation. I try to push you to go up at church, to do a little bit more. But you never give in. Anxiety just covers you in a blanket and you fear. Then you talk about how you're going to hell and you sound proud about it. It hurts me if I need to be honest. You say you dont see yourself being a church person. What the hell is a "church person"? You barely gave it a try. I'm too much of a baby to let myself go through all of this and just let it be okay that I dont at least let you know how I feel. Sometimes I tell myself that I'd go to hell if it meant you would get into heaven. But how I believe, it doesnt work like that. Sometimes I just wish you wanted to try it out. But I cant force you. You dont want to. I love you. I just fear for a vision that I dont know is true. This is my attempt to try to get you to see a fear I never told you about. I hold church so close to me. It hurts me that I see phillip not even getting involed either. I looked up to my pawpaw. He was extremely involved with church. I took his place. I used to hate church. Used to skip it. So much. Now I feel guilt every time I let phillip convince me not to go in. I dont know what to do anymore. I just broke down into tears because I want to try so hard to help you two yet I sit here in pity and let it just go. Because I tell myself "it's their life" yet I can't stand the idea of you two going to hell if I made it to heaven. I just wish I could help.
I'm sorry for this useless rant.
I love you.
