oiv. riptide

136 12 4

by briansmay

by briansmay

«story name» riptide

«author» -rogerstaylor (Kayle)

«reviewer» PsychicLavender (Sam)

«rating»

«grammar»
3/10
- I don't know if you are doing this for aesthetic purposes or some other reason, but the grammar in this story is all over the place. I recommend apps like Grammarly, it will certainly help. I do see some proper usage of things in some spots, you know your basics, but you have a lot of run on sentences and comma splices which makes the story hard to read. Now I don't know if English is your native language, so I gave you a few more points for that.

Also, one of my biggest pet peeves that I must correct: When a new character is speaking, to use the correct syntax and proper form, you have to start a new paragraph. Again, I don't know if this is for aesthetic reasons, but it'd make the story easier to read. :)

Ex:
Maria ran out of the room, her eyes filled to the brim with tears. Charles shook his head, turning angrily to Elizabeth, "You can't do that to people."

Elizabeth put her hands on her hips, clearly perturbed by his accusations, "Well, I just did," She huffed, turning her nose up at him.

«character development»
3/10

Your characters seem kind of static, and one dimensional. I think you just need to beef up the story a little bit more, show us more of the characters' inner thoughts and feelings, and that should help you. Also, try to build their relationships more before jumping right into them.

«aesthetics»
7/10

I like them. I don't really know what else to say here, but the aesthetic layout of the story is nice.

«writing style»
4/10

A little basic, but not entirely bad.

I'd say be a bit more in depth and descriptive with your writing. It's at a surface level right now, but with enough work you can get it where it needs to be. Describe the place around them, how the characters feel, and give some imagery so the readers can feel an attachment to the fic.

«plot»
3/10

Good premise, flawed execution.

1) Don't use Joe's father's passing for the soul purpose of introducing characters to each other. It's insensitive, especially to those in situations similar to Joe's. To myself and another admin personally, us having been in a similar situation before, found the first part of the story hard to read.

2) No one is instantly in love with someone, Gwilym especially doesn't seem like the type to be. That only happens in movies. To make it more realistic I suggest that you build their relationship first before having them fall in love. Love isn't something that you can snap and it's there, love takes time and work.

And if the cast has never met the main, how could they love her already? Just because she did one kind of nice thing?

3) The parenting in this story scares the hell out of me. First off, it's not okay for an adult to take someone else's child, especially if the adult doesn't even know who the mother is. I don't care if her mom can't pick her up, a member of the school staff would stay with them until her mother could.

They wouldn't let a random man, who was saying some very pedophile-like things, take a child.

4) Cardboard Ben wasn't brought into the "cast" until after filming.

«overall rating»
4/10

As I said earlier, going deeper into your characters and building relationships would help take your fic to the next level. Also, fixing the grammatical and syntax errors should make it easier to read.